There’s always gonna
be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna
make it move
Always gonna be an
up-hill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna
have to lose
Can you believe I just quoted Miley Cyrus? Yeah, well
neither can I. Those words came from her 2010 song, “The Climb.” And it was
those words that finally brought me to this moment. I finally feel the
beginning sense of peace that I knew I would need to feel before I sat down to
write and commit to my thoughts surrounding the 2013 Miss Virginia Pageant.
You want my honest reflection? Good, of course you do; and,
lucky for you I know hardly know any other way to be. Standing on the stage and
feeling as beautiful and as poised as I had ever felt in my life, it hurt to
know that I had not made the Top 10 cut. It was disappointment, mixed with
confusion… and, give it time, the Devil turned it into self-doubt and
self-hate. Thankfully, there were not moments of jealousy (as in, I did not feel
specifically jealous of one of those ten girls; I never felt that one of their
spots belonged to me): my feelings were never directed to them –the emotions
all faced inward. For two weeks, I beat myself up. Trying to figure out what I
could have or should have done differently. I poured over pictures…and thought
I looked gorgeous, happy: I glowed (!) for crying out loud. I had never looked
better. So, what else could it have been? Maybe, it was my private interview.
And then the questions from my interview came flooding back to me (and so did
my responses). They followed me everywhere, in the mirror where I used to ask
myself mock questions every morning; in the car while I listened to NPR; they
followed me to the shower and when I laid my head on the pillow at night.
These emotions confused the crap out of me. I usually moved
on from disappointments fairly easy – I would fuss a little bit, and then I
move on. I learned from my mother that there is no sense in dwelling in the
past: it’s over, after all. But this one thing would not leave me alone. Being
completely honest, it was also hard for me to think of any other time where I
had felt so defeated. (I knew in my heart that I did not fail – I had
progressed too much and performed too well, to call what I did at Miss Virginia
a failure.) But I certainly was defeated. But feeling sorry for one’s self is
depressing enough: I couldn't continue to wallow in my self-pity much longer.
Attempting to add some “regularity” back into my life, I
went back to the gym after 2 weeks off: 1 due to the pageant and the 2nd
because I was recovering – and being lazy – after the pageant. That Monday
class was not easy! And it did not
exactly provide the motivation I was looking for. We know that God tells us to
pour into his word…right? We are to praise him when we want for something and
when we are thankful for something, and just because. I had been on my knees
during pageant week, and I thought to myself – if anything – I need to continue
the prayer life that I had during those 7 days of competition. There were
verses that spoke to me… but none brought enough comfort to convince me that
the misery I felt would go away any time soon. However, we knew that success
does not happen overnight; and, therefore, I knew the same would not occur with
healing. So, I remained patient, in prayer, and meditation. I stopped listening
to the news and rode in my car in silence, preferring to think about the apartment
I would soon be moving into and my recent promotion/pay raise…. I didn’t spend
extra time in front of the mirror – as that would prompt thoughts regarding
inner beauty and pageant interviews… I stopped stalking myself on IG and
looking over my pageant photos by Julius. I needed a mental break. I need to
just be still (Psalm 46:10).
On the road home from Hanover this weekend Miley’s song
played (it is part of a mixed tape a friend made to hype me up for the state
competition). And when Miley sang those four lines I finally HEARD what she was
saying, and immediately felt this sense of understanding and knowing in my
heart. I pressed the rewind button and listened
to the song for the first time. She talks about the journey, and how you learn
along the way…how there will ALWAYS be challenges, and sometimes we will
succeed, and sometimes we will be defeated. And, it is okay to remember those
moments when you’re down (most likely those will be the thoughts that resonate
with us for the longest)…BUT – your true test is – do you remember to keep
moving forward, to keep the faith that you've always had?
So, I must keep moving forward. Don’t get me wrong: I still
remember my interview questions, and I remember how I felt on that stage after
talent and gown (AH-MAZ-ZING!)… But I am here…today, in my office. This is me.
And I must continue to embrace that because “it is what it is.” I can continue
to spread my love of people and of service, and I can continue to share my
Legacy of Kindness…because that’s who I am, who I have always been. It is my
assuredness in who I am – without a crown – that will allow this journey, this
“climb,” to continue.
And I feel that must say this... Some of you may think I
sound ungrateful; for I know that many girls would have given just about
anything to have had the chance to grace the stage in Roanoke (or had their name
called for the “Legacy of Kindness” award, as I did). It is not that I am
ungrateful – it is that I, as the strong woman I am, constantly find ways to
challenge myself. So when I, and other contestants like me, do not reach our
goals, do not mistake our tears for ungratefulness…instead see them as they may
be – sadness for not reaching the goal we set for ourselves. We are grateful to
be at Miss Virginia, to have had our name called as a local representative, to
have been a preliminary award winner, to have made the Top 10, or Top 5, but
there’s always going to be that hunger to be the best of the best…to me that
hunger should be commended, not condemned. (I won’t lie though, some girls will
just be salty about it, they won’t look for ways to improve or find the silver
lining in the clouds and there’s nothing I can do about that!)
So-- thank you for those of you who continue to believe it
me; who encourage me day in and day out. I am blessed by those of you who call
me your Miss Virginia. I will likely
take the time in the next few days to reflect in a more positive manner on the
pageant week (*chuckles*). Thank you for reading, and I hope I wasn't too
depressing.
I can't even express how this made me feel. Hopefully I can find the words soon because you need to know just how powerful it is.
ReplyDelete"Move mountain, move mountain, mountain get out of my way"
ReplyDeleteThis blog was your catharsis. It allowed you to move that mountain of self-doubt. You have climbed over the mountain of self-pity. You have demonstrated a strong strength of character. Because you chose to continue the up-hill battle, you have won! It is because of young women like you that I remain a part of the program. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you, thank you for sharing this! Not only are you amazingly accomplished and inspiring for your love of people and service, but you are REAL, down-to-earth, and not afraid to FEEL. You are a role model at the end of it all. Love you lots sister and beautiful, beautiful Miss Hanover! <3 xo, Charlotte
ReplyDeletehttp://thecharlottediary.wordpress.com