So Tell Me Why You're Really Mad

I recently read an article that talked about the "stupidity" of Beyonce's lyrics to her song "Partition." I will admit here that as many times as I've heard "Partition" it's one of those songs that I can't actually catch the words to - so I had no idea what the song was about. The author of said article explained that the song is describing Beyoncé asking the driver to raise the partition in the limo so that she could give fellatio to her man. The author has decided that the lyrics are "stupid" because they aren't clever enough to subtle. Did you ever consider that B wasn't trying to be subtle? That she wanted to be blunt or only have a few "play on words." The author goes on to call the song (and by proxy its lyrics) degrading and inappropriate, among other things.

So, tell me why you're really mad.
Are you mad because a grown woman wrote a song about giving a guy head?
Are you mad because a married, grown woman wrote a song about giving head to her husband?
Or are you truly mad because she didn't take the time to romantically or cunningly describe fellatio instead of putting it as bluntly as she did?

Some of you believe that Beyoncé is now trying to play into the media and become more sensual. Did you ever consider that she grew up and came in touch with her sensual self?

I would hardly call myself a Beyoncé fan (or even a fan of music, as any of my close friends will tell you); but, some of you need to chill. Beyoncé is now 30 or 40-something - she's no longer the teen of Destiny's Child. She has a husband who she loves. And a side of her that she clearly hasn't felt ready to share with the world until now.

I don't see how having sex or sexual relations with the man you have married is degrading or inappropriate. Allowing your twelve year old to listen to it, though - yeah, that's inappropriate. Expecting Beyoncé, Miley Cyrus, or Katie Perry to be role models for your children...that's what I would call stupid. People spend too much time blaming other people for their problems. Kids are running amuck these days and it's society's fault. Where are the parents? The teachers? The community leaders. It's their JOB to be role models. Beyoncé, Miley, and Katie...it's the JOB to be entertainers. (Whether you allow them to entertain you or educate you or influence you...that's your prerogative.)

So, please, tell me why you're really mad.

I'm mad because people seem to worship the ground Beyoncé walks on and I can't tell why. When she secretly released her album several months ago it made the morning news. Like really? Is it that serious? We are obsessed with her child. Everyone curiously upset about the name "Blue Ivy," like "Beyoncé" is a common name or something. Some people act like Beyoncé has personally enriched their lives.... But when I look at her I feel like she has the power to do so much more: to sponsor a program that empowers young girls, to go do some community service (and writing a check doesn't count), I want to see her out changing people's lives actively. And it's funny because it was her song "I Was Here," that made me think of how much she isn't "here." Now, don't get me wrong - she may be out doing something, because like I said I'm not exactly a fan, so I don't follow her every move. But perception is reality. And I'm just calling it as I see it. But, like I said...it's not her job to do community service...but a girl can hope, can't she?

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After writing the first draft of this blog, and sharing it with a friend, I do believe I'm willing to bend on one of my statements above. Beyoncé's ability to release an album without any of its content being leaked in today's world may be some type of a miracle....therefore, making it news appropriate. Lol   .

Believe in Valentine's Day

Last year, one of my best male friends told me that he didn't "believe in" Valentine's Day. I was like how do you not believe in a holiday? But I suppose it's like those who don't "believe in" Halloween.... but it's Valentine's Day. You know: the hearts, the love. What's there not to believe in? The interesting thing was that a few weeks passed and this same friend sent me a text on Feb. 14th to wish me a happy Valentine's Day. (I still have it saved on my phone, lol.) "Happy Valentine's day to the woman who has always been there for me..." After gushing and thanking him for the thoughtful text, I reminded him that this was the very holiday that he did not believe in... His response was, "I still don't believe in Valentine's, but you are important to me.”

This brings me to my first point: I believe that there is a good chunk of people out there who think they don't believe in Valentine's Day, but maybe it's just that they haven't had someone to open their eyes to the potential. February 14th shouldn't be about stress, or flowers, or late-night candle-lit dinners. It's about reminding the people around you, those who matter – like my friend did for me – that they are important to you. It's about expressing love. And no, expressing your heart-felt feelings doesn’t just happen one day a year, but if the country wants to set aside a day to that, I don't see the harm.

I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge that social media plays a bit into the feelings of the young men and women of my generation. I have heard repeatedly in the past week about how men know that women will be comparing what their significant others get them for Valentine's. Facebook, twitter, and Instagram will tell it all -- Amy's man surprised her with roses in the office, took her to a five-star restaurant downtown, and then whisked her away for a weekend in beautiful wine country. Bethany's engaged now. Oh, and Susan – who has only been dating George for like 2 months – posted that her new beau planned “the most romantic evening she's ever had.” Now, whether women are posting these pics and statuses to let every other women know how much their man loves them...or if it's to rub it in the faces of all her haters *shrugs,* I don't know. But, I would like to hope they are doing it because what their man did for them made them happy – and I'd rather people share happy stories on social media than sad ones (Lord, knows we could use more happiness).

But with all this posting, it's no wonder that men freak out when it comes to this holiday. If the holiday disappeared off the calendar in 2015 I strongly doubt their hearts would break – heck, some may not even notice, lol. My best friend once told me that he worries, because he feels like every year he’s supposed to top what he did the previous year. Talk about exhausting! And for all this effort exerted by men, how much are women doing to reciprocate?

And for those women who do try and romance their sweeties... I've read a few articles and posts today: giving up the goods, apparently, doesn't count as a present. (LOL, I'm just saying.) I know that some of us have sat down and tried to think "What do you get a man on Valentine's Day...?" While racking our brains for an answer, did it ever occur to us to just ask him what he might want? Maybe he'd rather not celebrate Valentine's Day, lol. Or maybe, a round of golf with the guys, or like my co-worker told me today, he wants to attend a concert. (The problem is his girlfriend isn't into the band that he wants to see. When I suggested celebrating Valentine's Day on Saturday instead, it was like a novel idea, smh.) But then I wondered if enough other women thought like me, and would be okay with celebrating Valentine's Day a day late, because their boyfriend wanted to go to a concert or whatever other reason there might be.

Some women may not even want to celebrate the holiday, either. (I have found that it’s not just men who feel some type of way towards this holiday.) I have a female friend who isn't big into Valentine’s – and she’s currently in a relationship. I have another friend who’s allergic to flowers (I know her boyfriend is happy about not having that expense). And, I have a friend who is allergic to chocolate… Now only if we could combine the 3 of them into 1 hybrid woman, then the world would be an interesting, and less stressful place (haha). But, the point I’m trying to make is that maybe your women isn't as stressed about this Valentine’s Day hoopla as you think she might be: so, ask her.

Now some of you reading this may be single. Good for you! You don't have to deal with what some would call the "drama" of Valentine's Day. But, some of you may wish you did have this drama. To you I say, remember that when you do get into a relationship. Remember that desire you have today to share a day of love with someone, and when you’re given the opportunity in the future don’t mess it up. In the meantime, celebrate Singles' Awareness Day. Buy yourself a box of chocolates, watch the movie you want to watch, treat yourself to something, or *shrugs,* try a blind date. Now, I'm not trying to be insensitive: of course you're allowed to feel lonely and wish you had someone to go out with on the 14th, but it's just not your year yet. And for a holiday that so many don't believe in anyways – there are worse things than not having a dinner companion on Friday.

Valentine's Day should be about letting important people in our lives know how much we love them – not about raising the bar on a holiday, showering people with material things, or showing off for others.

Happy Valentine's Day to all you: non-believers and believers alike. Now go tell someone they are important to you and that you love them.

XOXO

13 Lessons of 2013

I wanted to post something ‘theme-like’ for the new year. I don’t have a resolution I want to share (as I have learned from the past that I will make one and forget what it was by February or March). And I don’t believe that the new year will bring about a “new me.” --- I do pray that I will continue to grow closer to the Lord, that I will remain an excellent employee and supportive girlfriend, and that I will always to look for ways to challenge myself. 

Today, I just wanted to share some lessons that I learned (or was reminded of) during 2013:

1. Plan ahead – a day, a week, a year… it helps.
2. Believe in second chances: for yourself, and for others.
3. Being your best may not mean being the best. (And sometimes that is okay.)
4. Everything happens for a reason.
5. You teach people how to talk to/treat you.
6. If you are sick, take a sick day. (After all, that is what sick days are meant for.)
7. Learn to love yourself first, only then can you truly learn to love another.
8. Loving someone and being in love with someone…those are two separate emotions.
9. Have something in your life that you do, just for you.
10. If you want something – you may just have to ask for it.
11. Have some self-respect.
12. It is more important that you respect me, than it is that you like me.
13. Once in a while… have a glass of wine, close your eyes, and don’t think…about anything at all.

Leave me some comments…what did you learn in 2013?

Teaching People How to Treat You

So my goal tonight is to write a blog in about 20 minutes. We’ll see how this goes…

In a few recent conversations I have found myself reminding others (and sometimes myself) that “you teach people how to treat you.” You teach and curb behavior through punishments and rewards. If you allow a behavior to continue without telling someone it’s undesired, then you are in a sense rewarding, or encouraging said behavior. However, the moment you indicate to someone, “Uh, uh, not cool,” you are telling to them that that behavior won’t be tolerated. We tell children “don’t do that” or “good job” all the time; but, it seems that in our adult lives the concept of “teaching” someone the ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ of interacting with us is slightly beyond our grasp.

The teaching is usually best done in the beginning of a relationship – though, I am a believer that you are allowed to change your mind about what is and/or is not acceptable, and therefore you may have to re-teach people from time to time. Establish your boundaries early, in an assertive way. Make sure people understand if you’re the type that likes to joke around, or if you’re more serious. What are your pet peeves? Will someone being routinely late drive you mad? Have you told them this?

I think…no, I know that too often I have not wanted to ruffle feathers and have allowed undesirable behaviors and attitudes towards me continue. After weeks or months of this ‘annoying’ behavior, I have no one to blame but myself for my thinned patience and constant annoyance.

I’m in a period of my life where, to quote Sweet Brown, I truly feel that “ain’t nobody got time for that.” The foolishness, the gossip, the backstabbing, laziness, being uncommunicative, being shady, down-right rude, sneaky, or manipulative just isn’t going to fly with me. Some people may tolerate it in their lives, they may teach others through their silence or through their own deceitful behavior, that it’s okay to act up; I, however, will surely be teaching others differently.

Men know before or upon meeting me that I require a certain level of respect. It’s in the way I carry myself, the way I interact with my male friends, and even in the way I flirt. My co-workers have learned that though I may be quite, I will not be taken advantage of, I know my stuff, and I don’t take ‘no’ for an answer. My female friends – though few they may be – know that I will always tell it like it is and will speak what’s on my mind with no apology or disrespect intended.

Decide who you are, what you want to be, what attributes you want people to see and respect most about you – and then make sure it happens. If they can’t respect you for that…then they can keep it moving. 

The Climb

There’s always gonna be another mountain

I’m always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an up-hill battle

Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Can you believe I just quoted Miley Cyrus? Yeah, well neither can I. Those words came from her 2010 song, “The Climb.” And it was those words that finally brought me to this moment. I finally feel the beginning sense of peace that I knew I would need to feel before I sat down to write and commit to my thoughts surrounding the 2013 Miss Virginia Pageant.

You want my honest reflection? Good, of course you do; and, lucky for you I know hardly know any other way to be. Standing on the stage and feeling as beautiful and as poised as I had ever felt in my life, it hurt to know that I had not made the Top 10 cut. It was disappointment, mixed with confusion… and, give it time, the Devil turned it into self-doubt and self-hate. Thankfully, there were not moments of jealousy (as in, I did not feel specifically jealous of one of those ten girls; I never felt that one of their spots belonged to me): my feelings were never directed to them –the emotions all faced inward. For two weeks, I beat myself up. Trying to figure out what I could have or should have done differently. I poured over pictures…and thought I looked gorgeous, happy: I glowed (!) for crying out loud. I had never looked better. So, what else could it have been? Maybe, it was my private interview. And then the questions from my interview came flooding back to me (and so did my responses). They followed me everywhere, in the mirror where I used to ask myself mock questions every morning; in the car while I listened to NPR; they followed me to the shower and when I laid my head on the pillow at night.

These emotions confused the crap out of me. I usually moved on from disappointments fairly easy – I would fuss a little bit, and then I move on. I learned from my mother that there is no sense in dwelling in the past: it’s over, after all. But this one thing would not leave me alone. Being completely honest, it was also hard for me to think of any other time where I had felt so defeated. (I knew in my heart that I did not fail – I had progressed too much and performed too well, to call what I did at Miss Virginia a failure.) But I certainly was defeated. But feeling sorry for one’s self is depressing enough: I couldn't continue to wallow in my self-pity much longer.

Attempting to add some “regularity” back into my life, I went back to the gym after 2 weeks off: 1 due to the pageant and the 2^nd because I was recovering – and being lazy – after the pageant. That Monday class was not easy! And it did not exactly provide the motivation I was looking for. We know that God tells us to pour into his word…right? We are to praise him when we want for something and when we are thankful for something, and just because. I had been on my knees during pageant week, and I thought to myself – if anything – I need to continue the prayer life that I had during those 7 days of competition. There were verses that spoke to me… but none brought enough comfort to convince me that the misery I felt would go away any time soon. However, we knew that success does not happen overnight; and, therefore, I knew the same would not occur with healing. So, I remained patient, in prayer, and meditation. I stopped listening to the news and rode in my car in silence, preferring to think about the apartment I would soon be moving into and my recent promotion/pay raise…. I didn’t spend extra time in front of the mirror – as that would prompt thoughts regarding inner beauty and pageant interviews… I stopped stalking myself on IG and looking over my pageant photos by Julius. I needed a mental break. I need to just be still (Psalm 46:10).

On the road home from Hanover this weekend Miley’s song played (it is part of a mixed tape a friend made to hype me up for the state competition). And when Miley sang those four lines I finally HEARD what she was saying, and immediately felt this sense of understanding and knowing in my heart. I pressed the rewind button and listened to the song for the first time. She talks about the journey, and how you learn along the way…how there will ALWAYS be challenges, and sometimes we will succeed, and sometimes we will be defeated. And, it is okay to remember those moments when you’re down (most likely those will be the thoughts that resonate with us for the longest)…BUT – your true test is – do you remember to keep moving forward, to keep the faith that you've always had?

So, I must keep moving forward. Don’t get me wrong: I still remember my interview questions, and I remember how I felt on that stage after talent and gown (AH-MAZ-ZING!)… But I am here…today, in my office. This is me. And I must continue to embrace that because “it is what it is.” I can continue to spread my love of people and of service, and I can continue to share my Legacy of Kindness…because that’s who I am, who I have always been. It is my assuredness in who I am – without a crown – that will allow this journey, this “climb,” to continue.

And I feel that must say this... Some of you may think I sound ungrateful; for I know that many girls would have given just about anything to have had the chance to grace the stage in Roanoke (or had their name called for the “Legacy of Kindness” award, as I did). It is not that I am ungrateful – it is that I, as the strong woman I am, constantly find ways to challenge myself. So when I, and other contestants like me, do not reach our goals, do not mistake our tears for ungratefulness…instead see them as they may be – sadness for not reaching the goal we set for ourselves. We are grateful to be at Miss Virginia, to have had our name called as a local representative, to have been a preliminary award winner, to have made the Top 10, or Top 5, but there’s always going to be that hunger to be the best of the best…to me that hunger should be commended, not condemned. (I won’t lie though, some girls will just be salty about it, they won’t look for ways to improve or find the silver lining in the clouds and there’s nothing I can do about that!)

So-- thank you for those of you who continue to believe it me; who encourage me day in and day out. I am blessed by those of you who call me your Miss Virginia. I will likely take the time in the next few days to reflect in a more positive manner on the pageant week (*chuckles*). Thank you for reading, and I hope I wasn't too depressing.

Stressed...but Blessed

It's a shame, I haven't written in this blog since April. But this post should do some explaining regarding what's been going on. (And thank you to all my readers - my last blog had 57 reads!)

So, if you know me well enough, you know I like to do too much. I'm always going somewhere, doing something, or meeting someone. I've been called "Superwoman" a few times, and even been teased about my ability to hide my cape. Well, sometimes even Superwoman has to realize her limits... And this Superwoman has been super stressed lately.

The start of May meant the start of a new position at my job (read my last blog entry for more details). I quickly saw the different between being a "college hire" and a permanent employee. Gone were the days that that deadlines were 6 months away, or where my assignments didn't really impact the deliverables of my teammates. I was now a "critical" part of the team and that meant I had to change my mindset. Not only that, but I was thrown into a project that had been started months before my arrival, where the project managers and IT developers used a lingo that even my usually good use of context clues could not decode.

Being the genius that I am, I also agreed to take on a community service project around the same time. I was to co-lead a team to creatively develop, plan, and execute a field day for...oh, about 300 elementary school-aged children. I definitely underestimated the amount of time and effort that such a task would take.

Let me also mention that May meant I was just weeks closer to leaving to compete for Miss Virginia. I had my send-off party to plan. I had wardrobe left to buy and budget for....the piano to practice, gym classes to attend...

Then I decided to enter into a small business case-like competition at work...and then my car needed an oil change...and the keyboard I was using to practice my talent stopped working.... and the weather man was predicting rain for my field day (and our rain date was looking kind of soggy, as well)....Do you see where I am going with this?

I was doing too much: I was stressed out! So today, I said 'no.' I decided that the case competition ball had to get dropped. (Unfortunately this affected my teammate, who originally questioned if we'd have enough time to put our argument together - of course I had convinced her that it would be fine; and, today, I had to eat my words). I am also thinking that tomorrow I will make the executive decision to cancel field day this year; because, our rain date isn't looking too friendly and I can't keep moving the date on my volunteers. (It's a shame because our Superhero-theme was going to be amazing!) I am slowly building my confidence with this project at work and I made great progress with my current deadlines this week: my co-workers are very supportive.

I have always enjoyed being engaged and "plugged-in" to the world around me. I always like to know what's going on (yes, I am nosy). These past few weeks, I pushed myself - further than I've tried to push myself before, for there was more at stake this time around. I was reminded that I am but a mere human - one with limitations and a breaking point. I was kindly reminded, as well, that God has blessed me with a wonderful ability to handle multiple things and to get it all done with style, grace, and poise. God has given me the strength to take what many would see as hurdles, and turn them into opportunities for success. So, yes, when I was asked, "How are you?" in these past few weeks, some days my response was, "I'm stressed!"; but, please believe, I also know that I am truly blessed by God. The successes that I have had in my life have not all come easy; I have learned that I have the power in stressful situations to make beautiful outcomes. I've heard the saying, "I'm too blessed to be stressed!" - I'm not knocking it, but sometimes us blessed folks have to admit when we're stressed. (The first step is admitting you have a problem, right? lol)

~Superwoman
(aka, The Over-Achiever)

Did you ask?

First, let me say that I. am. tired.! It's been a long and trying two weeks and I can honestly say I'm ready for a break (not that I see one coming any time soon). But, no worries; I am truly grateful for each opportunity to succeed that I have been given. My Facebook status tonight mentioned that I am now in my third position at my company - and I've only been there for ten months. Crazy, right? It's been a whirlwind of excitement and pressure, tears and anxiety, new friends and, unfortunately, new people to avoid. With each challenge is a lesson - it may not be a new lesson, but its importance is still there. And one thing I was taught in college was to "lift while climbing" (or help others along as you climb your ladder); so, with that, I would like to share one of my life mantras.

It's a simple one really: "You never know unless you ask." One of my favorite Bible verses as a child was, "So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Luke 11:9. (*psst, it was one of my favorite, because when you say the verse and the reference immediate after, it rhymes! lol)

Well how do I apply the verse (which refers to asking my Heavenly Father for something) to corporate America - or to life in general, really? Let's take my recent job assignment as an example. When I was told that my rotation program was ending early, due to reasons out of my control, I was not as happy as my recruiter had hoped I would be. The end of my program meant that I was suppose to have some idea of what I wanted to do next:
      But, I wasn't ready.
            I didn't know what I wanted.
                    I freaked out...but only momentarily. Because in the end, freaking out did me no good.

What were the facts? I had a month to figure everything out; I had many business contacts across the company (from my time as an intern and as a college hire); and, I had three positions available to me that were opened specifically for college hires in my "predicament." 

What was my problem? I didn't want any of those three positions. (Yes, I know: some people would be glad to have any one of those positions and I was in no way foolish enough to think I was too good for any of them. They just were not things I could see myself doing long term.)

So I sat down at my desk and typed up an email. There was a manager I had worked with during my initial rotation and I knew he'd be able to give me some guidance (plus, his team was suppose to expand in the fall, which meant he would eventually have open positions). The email led to a one-on-one with that manager in which he explained he did have an entry-level position but it was already filled; but if I wanted it bad enough it was still early enough in the process that things could change... I had a few follow-up one-on-one sessions with that manager, his boss (who happened to be my former boss), and with an HR contact. Four weeks later, I'm proud to say that job has my name on it.

Don't let anything or anyone confine you. I was given three options - I made a fourth; because I define my success and because I wasn't afraid to ask. Remember:

"A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him." Dave Brinkley.