How Did I Do?: 2015's Goals

12/19/15

Around this time last year I started to think about resolutions for the New Year. But I didn’t want just one – I wanted various things I could focus on throughout the entire year. I came up with 6 different goals:

1.       Mind. I wanted to read more and I wanted to finally learn some sign language

2.       Body. I was going to run 4 5ks and get abs.

3.       Soul. I wanted to become a member of McLean Bible Church and become a regular volunteer.

4.       Relationship. I needed to learn to admit – timely – when I became upset or was bothered by something.

5.       Finances. Finish building my emergency fund.

6.       Work. Get that promotion!

I didn’t consider any of these goals a “one and done” – they would take time and they would take a new rhythm.

Mind

                Reading more was tough. Because reading, for pleasure, was a pastime I had not really enjoyed since my college years. Did I want to read fiction or non-fiction? Did it matter? At some point, around mid-2015 I went to the library and checked out 2 books about finance, one was Dave Ramsey’s “Total Money Makeover”. I loved the book so much, I went online and ordered a few copies (I intended to share the wealth of knowledge I had gained). And the simple act of being in the library and being surrounded by so many options, I eventually wandered over to one of my favorite sections: mystery. And then I stumbled over into romance. Since then, I’ve enjoyed a few quiet Saturdays inside, with just me and a book. No music. No TV. No boyfriend. No distractions.

                The American Sign Language class…. While at Miss United States 2014 I met an ASL interpreter who was working an event in the host hotel and he owns his own interpretation company. I took this as no coincidence: the trouble has been that his classroom sessions are all in DC. And if you know me, you know that going into the city is not a thrilling event for me – particularly on a week day. So I’ve been putting it off and putting it off. Until I found an Adult Continuing Education program offered by Fairfax County Public Schools. I was able to sign up for a 10-week class starting in April, and this coming January, I will be taking the second level of the course. (Go me! I need to be practicing what I learned 6 months ago! Goodness.)

Body

                Tanya and I ran the Polar Plunge 5k in February – once we were moving, it wasn’t as cold as I thought it was be. We also did a 5k Mud Run in May…then 3 days later, I did a Superhero-themed 5k at my job, with Angela. In June, she and I ran a Wipe Out-themed 5k – Stephen and Joanna were part of the fun, as well. Then Angela and I walked another Freddie Mac 5k in September, and a little over a week later I walked the St Jude 5k in Richmond. If you were counting that was 6 5ks. I think the best part wasn’t that I was active – it was sharing those moments with great people, supporting different causes, and doing a 5k in ways I wouldn’t have thought about.

                I didn’t get abs. Lol.

Soul

                On March 25^th I became a member of McLean Bible Church. This was actually Steve’s idea….the funny part? He didn’t become a member until December 9^th – but we won’t get into that. Church membership was not something that was ever seriously talked about or discussed in my earlier years. I think my father is still a member of the church we went to in Colonial Heights – and we haven’t lived there since the early 90s. One pastor said going to a church and not becoming a member was like dating someone but never taking that step of commitment – I definitely didn’t want to be that person. Haha! I enjoy knowing that I am a vetted and approved member of the church and that as a member I get to have a say in how the church is run and how funds are spent. It’s a good feeling.

                I started attending Serve DMV – McLean’s weekly service initiative in June. I fell off after a few weeks as I didn’t feel like I had found my niche. But through volunteering there, I became aware of an afterschool program that was in need of some volunteers. I completed the orientation and had my background checked. Now, on Wednesday nights, I help grade school children with their math and reading homework. It’s mentally exhausting somedays. Some days I feel really good when I leave. And some days I hear my mother come out of my mouth: “Do I look like a dictionary?” “No, you tell me – is that the right answer?” “Are you just guessing?”

Relationship

                This one I bombed. Completely. Utter failure.

So much so that it resulted in me having a day, not too long ago, where I just had a “word vomit” session with Steve really late one evening. Why the word vomit? Because I had failed miserably about articulating my feelings, my fears, my concerns, my questions over the past several months. Yes, months – not days or weeks, but months. It’s a problem. One, I think that stems from childhood where my questions and feelings weren’t always embraced with open arms and gratitude. So, as a young woman, I struggle with acknowledging that how I do feel does matter to the man in my life and that the only way those feelings can be acknowledged and accepted is if I speak them into the open.

Finances

                Emergency fund. Done. October 29^th. It was a great feeling. It took patience. Which I will admit, I lost for a few months when I *mumbles* stopped contributing to my retirement fund *stops mumbling* so I could get it done just a little faster. But in the end, I accomplished the task I set out to accomplish. And I couldn’t be happier about it!

Work

                So, I didn’t earn a promotion this year. But, I would not state that this goal – unlike #4 – was a complete failure. I did earn what is called a “soft promotion” (people at my company like to make up terms and phrases, so I’m not sure if this is technical HR-speak or not), aka: I got a pay raise. I asked for more responsibility and I got it. The trick was that I got the responsibility, then I worked my butt off not to fall on my face and to ensure that my manager didn’t look crazy for giving me work that I didn’t really have the job title for. I earned it. And it was after I earned it, that I was compensated for it. And while my title is the same as it was in January – my responsibilities are not the same – they have grown; the people I know and interact with, there have been some shifts there too. I grew, I have a larger span of control, and I got more exposure. I’ll count this as a ‘soft’ win.

Overall, I think I did fairly well. I'm thinking about 2016's goals - I've got to keep pressing forward. That blog will be coming shortly.

Did you have any resolutions/goals that you bombed miserably? Or any that you enjoyed accomplishing so much that you plan to "take it to the next level" in 2016? Share them with me, I'd love to hear about them!

My Miss Virginia United States 2014 Farewell Speech

I can hardly believe that a year has passed since I was crowned Miss Virginia United States! I have spent this last year promoting my platform, “Volunteerism & Community Involvement”: partnering with organizations like the Grace Oughten Cancer Foundation; Relay For Life; Polar Plunge for Special Olympics Virginia; and, St. Jude’s Hospital (just to name a few).

I must say a special thank you to my coworkers, with whom I had the most fun: delivering toys to children in the metropolitan area during Christmas, building new homes with Habitat for Humanity, and planning an awesome Field Day for the students of JC Nalle Elementary.

Thank you to my wonderful sponsors: to Ginny Betteridge of Rodan Fields for helping my skin look radiant throughout my reign; to Dave McIntosh Photographics for my stunning headshot; The Photography Smiths, LaDexon Photographie, Carrington & Finch Photography, Rick Myers Photography, and AJ Photoz for great photoshoots; and to Melissa Mangrum for my fabulous makeup at nationals.

To my pageant family … Laura Clark & Chris Wilmer: I admire your vision and your passion for this organization. Mariah, you have such determination and strength that most young women your age could only hope to possess; and Jocelyn, thank you for being my sounding board and I wish the best for you and your future hubby.

Most importantly, I want to thank those nearest and dearest to my heart for molding me into the woman who stands before you today. To my Elite sisters – Bridget, Chrissy, and Kiara – pageant week would have not been the same without the three of you in my corner. To Steve, thank you for being the calm in the storm that is my life. To my father – for pushing me to always be my best; Mum, thank you for reminding me that I am always enough; and to my sister, Tanya, thank you for always being my number 1 fan.

What a blessing and honor it has been to serve this great commonwealth. Thank you all of your support and love.

For the last time, I am your Miss Virginia United States (2014)

, Phyllicia Whittingham.

Choosing to Take a Tumbling

So it was decided that for New Years, the boo and I would not stay in the house (as we had last year…and as I had done for my entire life). We were going on a ski trip. Logical question many people ask here is: "Oh, you ski?" …SMH. The answer is no. I hadn’t skied a day in my life – heck, I had to figure out how to spell “skied” (because we all know it looks like sky-ed). Anyways… I don’t ski; I don’t care for winter; I don’t like the cold; and, I only like snow when I’m looking at it from inside, preferably with a cup of some herbal tea in my hand. Don’t judge my life. I was born in the Spring… I live for the time of year where it’s not too cold and it’s not too hot. But, back to this trip: I was going.  I was "kind of" asked, and of course I said sure, because babe was excited and as long as I was with him on NYE, nothing else mattered (right?).

The week leading up to the trip I found myself getting annoyed at the prospect of going to Sranton, PA (the location was based on a nice Groupon deal). My friends who had been skiing all tried to school me on the art of skiing. “Just wear the right clothes,” they said, “You won’t even feel the cold,” they said. The right clothes? Serious eye roll – that meant BUYING the right clothes. Ain’t nobody got money for that! (Don’t know you that Christmas just passed?) And these would be clothes I wouldn't wear again. Waterproof pants, snow boots, winter hat (I don't like winter hats), thermal socks…the list only seemed to grow by the day. I was not happy. The day before we were to hit the road, I carried my butt to Marshalls and TJ Maxx – of course they were picked through of their winter wear selection. (I did manage to pick up some thermal tights in my size, though.) So I hung my head and walked into Sports Authority – the winter angels blessed my life: a brand of women’s clothing was 50% off. I grabbed my nice fitting pair of puffy waterproof, insulated snow pants… (they even had a lining that provided an ankle cuff to prevent snow from coming in my socks). I bought  feet warmers and cute earmuffs while I was at it. I borrowed my sisters North Face and my friend’s gloves, snow-boots, and thermal sock. I was ready.

The funny part? I was the most prepared of the 4 people on this trip! Steve had a jacket that looked like a rain coat. Teese had no waterproof anything, and Fred…his pants were made of the same material as Steve’s jacket. (Luckily there was a rental shop that rented out snow pants and jackets for cheap, nearby.)

I wanted to take lessons at the slope, but they only did the class every two hours. We would have cut it too close for the 10am class, and the 12pm class was too late, as our morning pass only gave us til 1pm. So, I had little choice but to wing it…. Unfortunately, I didn't exactly ‘take flight’ gracefully. First you have to conquer the obstacle of getting down the flight of stairs that leads from the rental hut to the snow… not fun in ski boots. Then the magical art of clipping the boots into the skis (my skis were sized incorrectly – so back up the stairs I go – thankfully up was easier than down – to get my skis re-sized…. Then back down the stairs and into the properly-sized skis… Now about trying to maneuver to the ski lift: Steve was right in that, because I had ice skated before, moving on the flat snow in the skis wasn’t too terrible.

To get onto the lift you had to get in line and then go down a very, very short slop to where the attendant was waiting to help you into the lift. I didn’t know how to stop, however, so that meant the attendant had to catch me and then help me sit down. (What a sight that was.) Then the fear of getting off the lift… and if you aren’t ready, the lift kind of gives you a nudge (a firm nudge) to get you going. Once you gather yourself back together you’re left staring down at this hill. …and wondering how in the world you are going to make it from point A (the top) to point B (the bottom). After stalling for long enough, you decide to push off. And you’re moving, fast…too fast, so you move your body forward or backward in an effort to slow down (or something), and you only seem to go faster, until you’re falling -- tumbling. I look up from the snow and I’ve managed to lose both of my ski sticks, and one of my skis. (I neglected to put my hands through the loop of my ski sticks – so that was totally my bad.) Getting these items back was a chore. That requires you to sort of climb back up the mountain (on hands and knees): but remember you have these 5 foot skis on your feet – or in my case, foot. And picking up said foot, and placing it firmly any where is near impossible. So you’re there… hoping someone will fall next to one of your ski sticks so they can toss it to you…or something. The snow angels were looking out and some girl was able to hand me my sticks and I was able to pull myself up the foot and a half distance between myself and my ski, in order to reattach it to my boot. I got up (I’m making that sound a lot simpler than it really was), and started the journey down the hill again...

Except I didn't get far before that “I’m going too fast and I don’t know what I’m doing” feeling overwhelmed me again. And there I was, again, tumbling back into the snow.

So, then I realized that trip from point A to point B, became a multiple stop trip. I was tired, breathing heavy – and dare I say, I had probably broken a sweat. (Yes, I said it. Sweat: in the 20-degree weather.) So, after taking a breather, back up the lift I went: sliding into the European man, who patiently helped me into the lift, again; being nudged off the lift; and, then back I was back to staring down that scary hill.

Long story short, that multiple stop trip was an on-going theme for about 3 cycles. (And let me tell you getting up was way harder than falling down.) On trip 4 I decided to stop being scared. I was going to hold my body straight and not panic. Other people could make it down the hill. Why couldn't I?

What a difference a mindset makes!

I went down…fast…faster….faster ….I focused on not panicking while simultaneously (and oddly) enjoying the rush of cold air on my face….and then gradually, slowly, the incline lessened and I began to slow down…until I finally stopped.

I smiled. I laughed!

I had done it.

I made it all the way to the bottom!

And to think I almost passed up skiing because I hated the cold. I was going to play it safe and just enjoy snow tubing (like I had done back in middle school, at church winter camp). But, ultimately I decided I was being a hypocrite. I ALWAYS talk about how I’ll try anything once; and, if I don’t like it, at least I know I actually don’t like it.

What’s something you’re SO SURE you won’t enjoy, but you haven’t actually given it a fair chance? Do the prep work (buy the right clothes, ask the right questions, seek the right advice), give it a try (if you fall, pick yourself up, collect your skis, laugh at yourself), and then try again (all metaphorically speaking, of course). Sometimes it’s your mindset you have to change (get someone else’s perspective; change your own perspective; think positively). Enjoy the moment: enjoy the ride, the thrill of it all.

I pray this year we each experience the joy of trying something new. Even more, I pray that we are surprised by what we discover – about the ‘something new’ or, even better, that we are surprised by what we discover about ourselves.

Cheers to 2015 and all the adventures that await!

When "Good Enough" Will Do

So I’ve been neglecting my blog. And as I see some of my HU sisters pick up their blogging efforts – in fields regarding the empowerment of women and finance – I think it’s past time that I get back to writing. The reason I created this blog was to talk about “my journey”: not just in pageants, but in real life. Today, my manager and I had a heart to heart and he said something to me that I thought worth sharing with you all.

I cannot recall his exact words, but he told me that: a success may not be at my level of success, but it can still be a success.

What does this mean?

Those who know me best know that I can be very particular…. In short, some may say I am a perfectionist. I like to get things done – correctly, timely, and, usually, I like to go ‘above and beyond’ what I am asked to do. The great thing about this is thatit has worked for me: it gets me noticed with management and my peers know they can count on me to carry my weight and help us all look good. I catch the small ‘mistakes’ and I’m good at listening to exactly what someone wants in a deliverable. But, as you might guess, not everything about being a perfectionist is fun. The harsh reality is that as I move forward in my career,deliverables I work on are not always only dependent on me: I will have to rely on others to perform, as well. And though they may perform, they won’t always – or even usually – perform to MY level of expectation. That is frustrating.

It is at frustrating moments like this, that I must remind myself (or pray that I have a manger who is kind enough to gentlyremind me) that I cannot always have things my way. I cannot expect people to do what I would do. I cannot get myself worked up over people who will not do things the way I believeis best. What I can do is be confident that I have done my best and that I have supported my team to the best of my ability. Because even though the deliverable isn’t perfect, it’s “good enough” and sometimes that will just have to do.

So Tell Me Why You're Really Mad

I recently read an article that talked about the "stupidity" of Beyonce's lyrics to her song "Partition." I will admit here that as many times as I've heard "Partition" it's one of those songs that I can't actually catch the words to - so I had no idea what the song was about. The author of said article explained that the song is describing Beyoncé asking the driver to raise the partition in the limo so that she could give fellatio to her man. The author has decided that the lyrics are "stupid" because they aren't clever enough to subtle. Did you ever consider that B wasn't trying to be subtle? That she wanted to be blunt or only have a few "play on words." The author goes on to call the song (and by proxy its lyrics) degrading and inappropriate, among other things.

So, tell me why you're really mad.
Are you mad because a grown woman wrote a song about giving a guy head?
Are you mad because a married, grown woman wrote a song about giving head to her husband?
Or are you truly mad because she didn't take the time to romantically or cunningly describe fellatio instead of putting it as bluntly as she did?

Some of you believe that Beyoncé is now trying to play into the media and become more sensual. Did you ever consider that she grew up and came in touch with her sensual self?

I would hardly call myself a Beyoncé fan (or even a fan of music, as any of my close friends will tell you); but, some of you need to chill. Beyoncé is now 30 or 40-something - she's no longer the teen of Destiny's Child. She has a husband who she loves. And a side of her that she clearly hasn't felt ready to share with the world until now.

I don't see how having sex or sexual relations with the man you have married is degrading or inappropriate. Allowing your twelve year old to listen to it, though - yeah, that's inappropriate. Expecting Beyoncé, Miley Cyrus, or Katie Perry to be role models for your children...that's what I would call stupid. People spend too much time blaming other people for their problems. Kids are running amuck these days and it's society's fault. Where are the parents? The teachers? The community leaders. It's their JOB to be role models. Beyoncé, Miley, and Katie...it's the JOB to be entertainers. (Whether you allow them to entertain you or educate you or influence you...that's your prerogative.)

So, please, tell me why you're really mad.

I'm mad because people seem to worship the ground Beyoncé walks on and I can't tell why. When she secretly released her album several months ago it made the morning news. Like really? Is it that serious? We are obsessed with her child. Everyone curiously upset about the name "Blue Ivy," like "Beyoncé" is a common name or something. Some people act like Beyoncé has personally enriched their lives.... But when I look at her I feel like she has the power to do so much more: to sponsor a program that empowers young girls, to go do some community service (and writing a check doesn't count), I want to see her out changing people's lives actively. And it's funny because it was her song "I Was Here," that made me think of how much she isn't "here." Now, don't get me wrong - she may be out doing something, because like I said I'm not exactly a fan, so I don't follow her every move. But perception is reality. And I'm just calling it as I see it. But, like I said...it's not her job to do community service...but a girl can hope, can't she?

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After writing the first draft of this blog, and sharing it with a friend, I do believe I'm willing to bend on one of my statements above. Beyoncé's ability to release an album without any of its content being leaked in today's world may be some type of a miracle....therefore, making it news appropriate. Lol   .

Believe in Valentine's Day

Last year, one of my best male friends told me that he didn't "believe in" Valentine's Day. I was like how do you not believe in a holiday? But I suppose it's like those who don't "believe in" Halloween.... but it's Valentine's Day. You know: the hearts, the love. What's there not to believe in? The interesting thing was that a few weeks passed and this same friend sent me a text on Feb. 14th to wish me a happy Valentine's Day. (I still have it saved on my phone, lol.) "Happy Valentine's day to the woman who has always been there for me..." After gushing and thanking him for the thoughtful text, I reminded him that this was the very holiday that he did not believe in... His response was, "I still don't believe in Valentine's, but you are important to me.”

This brings me to my first point: I believe that there is a good chunk of people out there who think they don't believe in Valentine's Day, but maybe it's just that they haven't had someone to open their eyes to the potential. February 14th shouldn't be about stress, or flowers, or late-night candle-lit dinners. It's about reminding the people around you, those who matter – like my friend did for me – that they are important to you. It's about expressing love. And no, expressing your heart-felt feelings doesn’t just happen one day a year, but if the country wants to set aside a day to that, I don't see the harm.

I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge that social media plays a bit into the feelings of the young men and women of my generation. I have heard repeatedly in the past week about how men know that women will be comparing what their significant others get them for Valentine's. Facebook, twitter, and Instagram will tell it all -- Amy's man surprised her with roses in the office, took her to a five-star restaurant downtown, and then whisked her away for a weekend in beautiful wine country. Bethany's engaged now. Oh, and Susan – who has only been dating George for like 2 months – posted that her new beau planned “the most romantic evening she's ever had.” Now, whether women are posting these pics and statuses to let every other women know how much their man loves them...or if it's to rub it in the faces of all her haters *shrugs,* I don't know. But, I would like to hope they are doing it because what their man did for them made them happy – and I'd rather people share happy stories on social media than sad ones (Lord, knows we could use more happiness).

But with all this posting, it's no wonder that men freak out when it comes to this holiday. If the holiday disappeared off the calendar in 2015 I strongly doubt their hearts would break – heck, some may not even notice, lol. My best friend once told me that he worries, because he feels like every year he’s supposed to top what he did the previous year. Talk about exhausting! And for all this effort exerted by men, how much are women doing to reciprocate?

And for those women who do try and romance their sweeties... I've read a few articles and posts today: giving up the goods, apparently, doesn't count as a present. (LOL, I'm just saying.) I know that some of us have sat down and tried to think "What do you get a man on Valentine's Day...?" While racking our brains for an answer, did it ever occur to us to just ask him what he might want? Maybe he'd rather not celebrate Valentine's Day, lol. Or maybe, a round of golf with the guys, or like my co-worker told me today, he wants to attend a concert. (The problem is his girlfriend isn't into the band that he wants to see. When I suggested celebrating Valentine's Day on Saturday instead, it was like a novel idea, smh.) But then I wondered if enough other women thought like me, and would be okay with celebrating Valentine's Day a day late, because their boyfriend wanted to go to a concert or whatever other reason there might be.

Some women may not even want to celebrate the holiday, either. (I have found that it’s not just men who feel some type of way towards this holiday.) I have a female friend who isn't big into Valentine’s – and she’s currently in a relationship. I have another friend who’s allergic to flowers (I know her boyfriend is happy about not having that expense). And, I have a friend who is allergic to chocolate… Now only if we could combine the 3 of them into 1 hybrid woman, then the world would be an interesting, and less stressful place (haha). But, the point I’m trying to make is that maybe your women isn't as stressed about this Valentine’s Day hoopla as you think she might be: so, ask her.

Now some of you reading this may be single. Good for you! You don't have to deal with what some would call the "drama" of Valentine's Day. But, some of you may wish you did have this drama. To you I say, remember that when you do get into a relationship. Remember that desire you have today to share a day of love with someone, and when you’re given the opportunity in the future don’t mess it up. In the meantime, celebrate Singles' Awareness Day. Buy yourself a box of chocolates, watch the movie you want to watch, treat yourself to something, or *shrugs,* try a blind date. Now, I'm not trying to be insensitive: of course you're allowed to feel lonely and wish you had someone to go out with on the 14th, but it's just not your year yet. And for a holiday that so many don't believe in anyways – there are worse things than not having a dinner companion on Friday.

Valentine's Day should be about letting important people in our lives know how much we love them – not about raising the bar on a holiday, showering people with material things, or showing off for others.

Happy Valentine's Day to all you: non-believers and believers alike. Now go tell someone they are important to you and that you love them.

XOXO

13 Lessons of 2013

I wanted to post something ‘theme-like’ for the new year. I don’t have a resolution I want to share (as I have learned from the past that I will make one and forget what it was by February or March). And I don’t believe that the new year will bring about a “new me.” --- I do pray that I will continue to grow closer to the Lord, that I will remain an excellent employee and supportive girlfriend, and that I will always to look for ways to challenge myself. 

Today, I just wanted to share some lessons that I learned (or was reminded of) during 2013:

1. Plan ahead – a day, a week, a year… it helps.
2. Believe in second chances: for yourself, and for others.
3. Being your best may not mean being the best. (And sometimes that is okay.)
4. Everything happens for a reason.
5. You teach people how to talk to/treat you.
6. If you are sick, take a sick day. (After all, that is what sick days are meant for.)
7. Learn to love yourself first, only then can you truly learn to love another.
8. Loving someone and being in love with someone…those are two separate emotions.
9. Have something in your life that you do, just for you.
10. If you want something – you may just have to ask for it.
11. Have some self-respect.
12. It is more important that you respect me, than it is that you like me.
13. Once in a while… have a glass of wine, close your eyes, and don’t think…about anything at all.

Leave me some comments…what did you learn in 2013?