Sunday Night Football

In general, I don’t like politics. They are sticky and people get so fired up about it all. Family members don’t talk to each other because of disagreements stemming from political ideologies. And there are often so many angles to the story that I must admit, I usually just don’t feel competent enough to speak on a given topic. On the other hand, I do feel more and more like I can relate to political issues. The topics in today’s news feel much closer to my door step than ever before.

Today, scrolling down my Facebook timeline reminded me of how diverse my “friends” are. I found myself getting annoyed at some of the commentary. So much so, that I picked up the phone and called my father. I had a particular question in mind and he was the best person to run the question by:

As a retired Marine, who served these United States for 30 years, how do you feel about professional athletes who have chosen to take a knee during the playing of our National Anthem?

Some background: I decided to ask my father this question because I felt like most of my ‘friends’ on Facebook were citing that by not standing with their hands over their hearts that these NFL players were unpatriotic, disrespectful, and ungrateful for the sacrifices that our uniformed men and women have made for our country. My father served this country – one he was not born in – for 30 years. My family served and we love the liberties and freedoms that this nation has provided us. I decided to ask my father because too often I feel like people take up issues with social causes that they haven’t bothered to truly understand.

I recall in 2013 or 2014 Volkswagen came out with a commercial with a majority non-Black cast, but the main character spoke in a Jamaican accent: the idea was that the New Beetle would make you “Be Happy”. Social media went a little crazy calling the commercial racist…. I checked with members of my family – we are Jamaican, if you were wondering – and they found no fault with the commercial. So why were non-Jamaicans more offended than we were? Fast forward to today, I feel like non-Black, non-uniformed individuals are the ones who want to shout from their social media pages about the protests they see today.

Now, back to my father…. In short, he supports these athletes who choose not to stand during the national anthem. “How?” you may ask yourself. Because we are missing the bigger picture! By not standing during the national anthem, the athletes are not protesting the American flag nor the anthem itself, nor are they “unpatriotic”. What they are protesting is the poor and racist treatment that Blacks and other minorities suffer in these blessed United States on a daily basis.

We have a freedom in America to peacefully protest – or is it just when you don’t agree, that such a protest becomes “unpatriotic”? I am sure each of them love this country (that’s what I believe a patriot is), but they feel like their country does not always love them back (and that is why I believe they protest). They bring you no harm. They mean no disrespect. Through their silence they are reminding you of the ugliness that still lives in the hearts of many. Through their bended knees they are reminding you that there are social injustices that need to be addressed.

So, spare me the talk of unpatriotic behavior. What are YOU doing to make America a better country? What are YOU doing to show love to your fellow Americans?

5 Best Decisions of 2016

1. Cutting my hair! - Some women enjoy playing in and manipulating their hair: I am not one of them. I like low maintenance. And, while I was unsure how the shape of my head would support a close cut, I can truly say I have no regrets. 
2. Spending Tanya's Spring Break with her in California - The trip in March was the first time that Tanya and I traveled together without either of our parents, and I think we were both a little nervous. However, thankfully, the trip to the west coast was a total success and I am looking forward to flying to Mexico with her next May in celebration of her graduation.
3. Visiting the Motherland (Nigeria) with Stephen - Such a long and arduous flight that was - but it was totally worth it. Stephen's family welcomed me with open arms; the food was fabulous; and I would do it again in a heart beat.
4. Hosting Tanya for a month this summer while she completed a rotation in Arlington - We had so much fun together and probably only got on each others nerves once. I enjoyed watching her make friends and hang out in NoVA/DC. 
5. Saying 'yes' to Stephen - I'm going to marry the man of my prayers in 2017 (!). We've dated for 4 years and I was definitely ready to say yes. The planning process has not been perfect, but it's been a great way for Stephen and I to learn to negotiate, compromise, and to play off of each other's strengths.

Traveling to the Motherland

I spent 2 weeks with my boyfriend, Steve, in Nigeria - visiting his parents and the places where he grew up. I plan to take the next few days to walk you through our experience. I hope you enjoy...

Day 0

I felt like I was finally done packing. All the little things were in their rightful place. I was ready. Time to step out for the last minute errands – you know, my eyebrows, snacks for the airplane, and Chipotle. As soon as the door closed behind me I realized my mistake: in my effort to be thorough, I had already taken my apartment key off of my keychain and tucked it inside the bag I would be carrying on the plane with me – my apartment key was locked inside my apartment. Dear Lord Jesus. Now what? My roommate works in Tyson’s, so I can drive and get the key from her, or I can have Steve meet her on his way to my place (I’m closer to the airport, and Tyson’s is in the middle of our apartments). I texted him. He agreed he could scoped the key. I texted Brittany, she provided me the address to her office building and promised to leave the key at the desk downstairs. Huge crisis, averted. I can breathe again.

My eyebrows look great. I then grabbed popcorn from Safeway and 2 burritos for the price of 1 with my fabulous Chipotle coupon. As I was wrapping up my order, Steve called to say he was at the apartment: perfect timing.

Here’s to hoping, that this is the only crisis we have on this trip.

Day 1

I tried to sleep, but my tummy wouldn’t let me. 6 hours on a plane – at some point you must use the restroom and I needed to go #2. I got up, handled my business and washed my hands with the lovely soap. Got back to my seat and realized I had not packed hand lotion in my carry on. Y’all know how I feel about lip gloss and hand lotion. Ugh! I eventually ignored my drying hands and went to sleep.

Woke up some time later. My hands are still dry, so, so dry.

We land in Amsterdam. My booty is sore and this layover is for 6 hours. Dear Jesus, help me. After finding our gate, Steve and I left his brother with our luggage and we decided to explore the airport a little. Lots of expensive stores – a fancy Johnny Walker, Hermes, fine chocolates, upscale lotions…. We stopped at a bar and found out that the “herb” shops open in the Netherlands around 9am (no, there were none in the airport) and that bars are open around that time as well. Thankfully, I had told my bank I would be traveling (Steve didn’t think this was necessary), so while the price of most things were listed in European pounds, we were able to pay for things with my credit card – some registers in the airport would give me the options of paying in euros or in dollars. I spent about $8 for 2 bottles of water, and $14 for 2 beers.

After some time we made our way back to our luggage. Steve slept on my lap for a good portion of the layover; though I was tired, I couldn’t fall asleep. Eventually, it was time to board our second plane: this is when I learned that Nigerians have no concept of a line (or a queue, as they call it). Once the parents with small children and the elderly were permitted to board the plane there was an onslaught of people pushing forward to hand over their boarding passes – like we all didn’t have assigned seats, like we all weren’t going to the same place. But I digress.

Movies on this flight were free: so I scrolled through and found “Joy,” I settled in to watch and within minutes my eyelids grew heavy….

They fed us several times on this flight: Snack. Dinner. Dessert. Breakfast. I thought it was interesting how the flight attendants described the Dessert foods. The options were either a cinnamon bun or quiche: Some attendants would simply say “Sweet or savory?” Another offered, “Cinnamon stick or cheese pie?” – That was my favorite.

When we were about an hour out from our destination, an announcement comes over the PA system, “in order to comply with….” Nigerian something something…. Basically, the attendants then walked through the cabin of the airplane and sprayed something into the air… idk what it was supposed to do or kill; I was just glad that it smelled nice.

26 Useful Life Lessons

I was talking to some of my 'big sisters' about lessons I've learned being a young adult. Things that may seem like common sense to some people, but may have never crossed someone else's mind. Many times it's about the environment we grew up in (like your parents may have handled certain things, and you never had to think about them). But, here are 26 lessons from a 26-year-old - some of them I've experienced in my own life, and some I've learned through friends:

1. There's an air filter in your apartment, and you should change it regularly (every other month of so)
2. Buy a basic toolkit: handheld drill, hammer, nails, screws
3. Know where the basic fluids are in your car (like the oil, windshield wiper fluid, brake fluid, antifreeze)
4. Get your oil changed regularly (every 5k or 3k miles - depending on the mileage on the car), and learn how to at least check it yourself
5. Don't pay a car dealer to repair your car, ask around and find a local handy man
6. Car batteries only last about 4-5 years
7. AutoZone is your friend (buy certain items from them - like light bulbs or windshield wipers - and they will install them for free!)
8. If your car fails inspection, you have a certain amount of days to fix the issue - so don't panic, and don't feel like you have to pony up the cash right away
9. Uber's surge prices on NYE are stupid - just take a taxi, it's much cheaper
10. If you don't like your doctor or you feel like s/he isn't listening to you - GET ANOTHER DOCTOR
11. Male gynecologists are just as qualified as females - don't be scared
12. Your birth control should be free, if it's not, ask questions
13. Be aware that some doctor's visits will require out of pocket payments - and you might even receive 2 bills: one from the doctor's office, the second from the place that handled the lab work (and these bills may come WEEKS after your doctor's appointment, so keep note of when you went to the doctor's and what you had done)
14. When you pay off a loan, use that same money to make a larger payment towards your next debt; this way you're not asking yourself later, "Where did that 'extra' $300/month go?"
15. Contribute to the max that your company will match in your 401(k) - it's free money (unless you're flat broke, then handle that situation first)
16. Don't shop just because someone gave you a coupon
17. Even if you want quality, discount places can still be your friend (Bob's Discount Furniture, Groupon, Nordstrom Rack)
18. If your nail cuticles don't grow that fast, get a gel color change, instead of a full gel manicure - you cannot tell the difference, and you save like $20/visit and still look cute
19. Eat breakfast at home - sure you look cute grabbing breakfast in the cafe, or in the Starbucks line...but that's like $20/week you could be saving - microwave some oatmeal, boil an egg, microwave some bacon....
20. Order chicken instead of beef, you'll be just as full, and your wallet will thank you (or heck, go vegetarian while you're at it)
21. Find out your credit score - you don't want to be shocked by or not understand your own numbers when it comes time to shop for that new car or house - but at the same time, don't obsess about the number
22. Save for a rainy day - because that day will come
23. Ask your parents for your birth certificate, passport, savings bonds, and your immunization record/card when you move out
24. Always carry cash - you just never know
25. Your spare key should probably be with someone who lives near you - remember this when you move
26. Your resume should currently be up to date - even if you have no intentions of using it any time soon

What's a lesson you'd like to share? Leave it in the comments!

How Did I Do?: 2015's Goals

12/19/15

Around this time last year I started to think about resolutions for the New Year. But I didn’t want just one – I wanted various things I could focus on throughout the entire year. I came up with 6 different goals:

1.       Mind. I wanted to read more and I wanted to finally learn some sign language

2.       Body. I was going to run 4 5ks and get abs.

3.       Soul. I wanted to become a member of McLean Bible Church and become a regular volunteer.

4.       Relationship. I needed to learn to admit – timely – when I became upset or was bothered by something.

5.       Finances. Finish building my emergency fund.

6.       Work. Get that promotion!

I didn’t consider any of these goals a “one and done” – they would take time and they would take a new rhythm.

Mind

                Reading more was tough. Because reading, for pleasure, was a pastime I had not really enjoyed since my college years. Did I want to read fiction or non-fiction? Did it matter? At some point, around mid-2015 I went to the library and checked out 2 books about finance, one was Dave Ramsey’s “Total Money Makeover”. I loved the book so much, I went online and ordered a few copies (I intended to share the wealth of knowledge I had gained). And the simple act of being in the library and being surrounded by so many options, I eventually wandered over to one of my favorite sections: mystery. And then I stumbled over into romance. Since then, I’ve enjoyed a few quiet Saturdays inside, with just me and a book. No music. No TV. No boyfriend. No distractions.

                The American Sign Language class…. While at Miss United States 2014 I met an ASL interpreter who was working an event in the host hotel and he owns his own interpretation company. I took this as no coincidence: the trouble has been that his classroom sessions are all in DC. And if you know me, you know that going into the city is not a thrilling event for me – particularly on a week day. So I’ve been putting it off and putting it off. Until I found an Adult Continuing Education program offered by Fairfax County Public Schools. I was able to sign up for a 10-week class starting in April, and this coming January, I will be taking the second level of the course. (Go me! I need to be practicing what I learned 6 months ago! Goodness.)

Body

                Tanya and I ran the Polar Plunge 5k in February – once we were moving, it wasn’t as cold as I thought it was be. We also did a 5k Mud Run in May…then 3 days later, I did a Superhero-themed 5k at my job, with Angela. In June, she and I ran a Wipe Out-themed 5k – Stephen and Joanna were part of the fun, as well. Then Angela and I walked another Freddie Mac 5k in September, and a little over a week later I walked the St Jude 5k in Richmond. If you were counting that was 6 5ks. I think the best part wasn’t that I was active – it was sharing those moments with great people, supporting different causes, and doing a 5k in ways I wouldn’t have thought about.

                I didn’t get abs. Lol.

Soul

                On March 25^th I became a member of McLean Bible Church. This was actually Steve’s idea….the funny part? He didn’t become a member until December 9^th – but we won’t get into that. Church membership was not something that was ever seriously talked about or discussed in my earlier years. I think my father is still a member of the church we went to in Colonial Heights – and we haven’t lived there since the early 90s. One pastor said going to a church and not becoming a member was like dating someone but never taking that step of commitment – I definitely didn’t want to be that person. Haha! I enjoy knowing that I am a vetted and approved member of the church and that as a member I get to have a say in how the church is run and how funds are spent. It’s a good feeling.

                I started attending Serve DMV – McLean’s weekly service initiative in June. I fell off after a few weeks as I didn’t feel like I had found my niche. But through volunteering there, I became aware of an afterschool program that was in need of some volunteers. I completed the orientation and had my background checked. Now, on Wednesday nights, I help grade school children with their math and reading homework. It’s mentally exhausting somedays. Some days I feel really good when I leave. And some days I hear my mother come out of my mouth: “Do I look like a dictionary?” “No, you tell me – is that the right answer?” “Are you just guessing?”

Relationship

                This one I bombed. Completely. Utter failure.

So much so that it resulted in me having a day, not too long ago, where I just had a “word vomit” session with Steve really late one evening. Why the word vomit? Because I had failed miserably about articulating my feelings, my fears, my concerns, my questions over the past several months. Yes, months – not days or weeks, but months. It’s a problem. One, I think that stems from childhood where my questions and feelings weren’t always embraced with open arms and gratitude. So, as a young woman, I struggle with acknowledging that how I do feel does matter to the man in my life and that the only way those feelings can be acknowledged and accepted is if I speak them into the open.

Finances

                Emergency fund. Done. October 29^th. It was a great feeling. It took patience. Which I will admit, I lost for a few months when I *mumbles* stopped contributing to my retirement fund *stops mumbling* so I could get it done just a little faster. But in the end, I accomplished the task I set out to accomplish. And I couldn’t be happier about it!

Work

                So, I didn’t earn a promotion this year. But, I would not state that this goal – unlike #4 – was a complete failure. I did earn what is called a “soft promotion” (people at my company like to make up terms and phrases, so I’m not sure if this is technical HR-speak or not), aka: I got a pay raise. I asked for more responsibility and I got it. The trick was that I got the responsibility, then I worked my butt off not to fall on my face and to ensure that my manager didn’t look crazy for giving me work that I didn’t really have the job title for. I earned it. And it was after I earned it, that I was compensated for it. And while my title is the same as it was in January – my responsibilities are not the same – they have grown; the people I know and interact with, there have been some shifts there too. I grew, I have a larger span of control, and I got more exposure. I’ll count this as a ‘soft’ win.

Overall, I think I did fairly well. I'm thinking about 2016's goals - I've got to keep pressing forward. That blog will be coming shortly.

Did you have any resolutions/goals that you bombed miserably? Or any that you enjoyed accomplishing so much that you plan to "take it to the next level" in 2016? Share them with me, I'd love to hear about them!

My Miss Virginia United States 2014 Farewell Speech

I can hardly believe that a year has passed since I was crowned Miss Virginia United States! I have spent this last year promoting my platform, “Volunteerism & Community Involvement”: partnering with organizations like the Grace Oughten Cancer Foundation; Relay For Life; Polar Plunge for Special Olympics Virginia; and, St. Jude’s Hospital (just to name a few).

I must say a special thank you to my coworkers, with whom I had the most fun: delivering toys to children in the metropolitan area during Christmas, building new homes with Habitat for Humanity, and planning an awesome Field Day for the students of JC Nalle Elementary.

Thank you to my wonderful sponsors: to Ginny Betteridge of Rodan Fields for helping my skin look radiant throughout my reign; to Dave McIntosh Photographics for my stunning headshot; The Photography Smiths, LaDexon Photographie, Carrington & Finch Photography, Rick Myers Photography, and AJ Photoz for great photoshoots; and to Melissa Mangrum for my fabulous makeup at nationals.

To my pageant family … Laura Clark & Chris Wilmer: I admire your vision and your passion for this organization. Mariah, you have such determination and strength that most young women your age could only hope to possess; and Jocelyn, thank you for being my sounding board and I wish the best for you and your future hubby.

Most importantly, I want to thank those nearest and dearest to my heart for molding me into the woman who stands before you today. To my Elite sisters – Bridget, Chrissy, and Kiara – pageant week would have not been the same without the three of you in my corner. To Steve, thank you for being the calm in the storm that is my life. To my father – for pushing me to always be my best; Mum, thank you for reminding me that I am always enough; and to my sister, Tanya, thank you for always being my number 1 fan.

What a blessing and honor it has been to serve this great commonwealth. Thank you all of your support and love.

For the last time, I am your Miss Virginia United States (2014)

, Phyllicia Whittingham.

Choosing to Take a Tumbling

So it was decided that for New Years, the boo and I would not stay in the house (as we had last year…and as I had done for my entire life). We were going on a ski trip. Logical question many people ask here is: "Oh, you ski?" …SMH. The answer is no. I hadn’t skied a day in my life – heck, I had to figure out how to spell “skied” (because we all know it looks like sky-ed). Anyways… I don’t ski; I don’t care for winter; I don’t like the cold; and, I only like snow when I’m looking at it from inside, preferably with a cup of some herbal tea in my hand. Don’t judge my life. I was born in the Spring… I live for the time of year where it’s not too cold and it’s not too hot. But, back to this trip: I was going.  I was "kind of" asked, and of course I said sure, because babe was excited and as long as I was with him on NYE, nothing else mattered (right?).

The week leading up to the trip I found myself getting annoyed at the prospect of going to Sranton, PA (the location was based on a nice Groupon deal). My friends who had been skiing all tried to school me on the art of skiing. “Just wear the right clothes,” they said, “You won’t even feel the cold,” they said. The right clothes? Serious eye roll – that meant BUYING the right clothes. Ain’t nobody got money for that! (Don’t know you that Christmas just passed?) And these would be clothes I wouldn't wear again. Waterproof pants, snow boots, winter hat (I don't like winter hats), thermal socks…the list only seemed to grow by the day. I was not happy. The day before we were to hit the road, I carried my butt to Marshalls and TJ Maxx – of course they were picked through of their winter wear selection. (I did manage to pick up some thermal tights in my size, though.) So I hung my head and walked into Sports Authority – the winter angels blessed my life: a brand of women’s clothing was 50% off. I grabbed my nice fitting pair of puffy waterproof, insulated snow pants… (they even had a lining that provided an ankle cuff to prevent snow from coming in my socks). I bought  feet warmers and cute earmuffs while I was at it. I borrowed my sisters North Face and my friend’s gloves, snow-boots, and thermal sock. I was ready.

The funny part? I was the most prepared of the 4 people on this trip! Steve had a jacket that looked like a rain coat. Teese had no waterproof anything, and Fred…his pants were made of the same material as Steve’s jacket. (Luckily there was a rental shop that rented out snow pants and jackets for cheap, nearby.)

I wanted to take lessons at the slope, but they only did the class every two hours. We would have cut it too close for the 10am class, and the 12pm class was too late, as our morning pass only gave us til 1pm. So, I had little choice but to wing it…. Unfortunately, I didn't exactly ‘take flight’ gracefully. First you have to conquer the obstacle of getting down the flight of stairs that leads from the rental hut to the snow… not fun in ski boots. Then the magical art of clipping the boots into the skis (my skis were sized incorrectly – so back up the stairs I go – thankfully up was easier than down – to get my skis re-sized…. Then back down the stairs and into the properly-sized skis… Now about trying to maneuver to the ski lift: Steve was right in that, because I had ice skated before, moving on the flat snow in the skis wasn’t too terrible.

To get onto the lift you had to get in line and then go down a very, very short slop to where the attendant was waiting to help you into the lift. I didn’t know how to stop, however, so that meant the attendant had to catch me and then help me sit down. (What a sight that was.) Then the fear of getting off the lift… and if you aren’t ready, the lift kind of gives you a nudge (a firm nudge) to get you going. Once you gather yourself back together you’re left staring down at this hill. …and wondering how in the world you are going to make it from point A (the top) to point B (the bottom). After stalling for long enough, you decide to push off. And you’re moving, fast…too fast, so you move your body forward or backward in an effort to slow down (or something), and you only seem to go faster, until you’re falling -- tumbling. I look up from the snow and I’ve managed to lose both of my ski sticks, and one of my skis. (I neglected to put my hands through the loop of my ski sticks – so that was totally my bad.) Getting these items back was a chore. That requires you to sort of climb back up the mountain (on hands and knees): but remember you have these 5 foot skis on your feet – or in my case, foot. And picking up said foot, and placing it firmly any where is near impossible. So you’re there… hoping someone will fall next to one of your ski sticks so they can toss it to you…or something. The snow angels were looking out and some girl was able to hand me my sticks and I was able to pull myself up the foot and a half distance between myself and my ski, in order to reattach it to my boot. I got up (I’m making that sound a lot simpler than it really was), and started the journey down the hill again...

Except I didn't get far before that “I’m going too fast and I don’t know what I’m doing” feeling overwhelmed me again. And there I was, again, tumbling back into the snow.

So, then I realized that trip from point A to point B, became a multiple stop trip. I was tired, breathing heavy – and dare I say, I had probably broken a sweat. (Yes, I said it. Sweat: in the 20-degree weather.) So, after taking a breather, back up the lift I went: sliding into the European man, who patiently helped me into the lift, again; being nudged off the lift; and, then back I was back to staring down that scary hill.

Long story short, that multiple stop trip was an on-going theme for about 3 cycles. (And let me tell you getting up was way harder than falling down.) On trip 4 I decided to stop being scared. I was going to hold my body straight and not panic. Other people could make it down the hill. Why couldn't I?

What a difference a mindset makes!

I went down…fast…faster….faster ….I focused on not panicking while simultaneously (and oddly) enjoying the rush of cold air on my face….and then gradually, slowly, the incline lessened and I began to slow down…until I finally stopped.

I smiled. I laughed!

I had done it.

I made it all the way to the bottom!

And to think I almost passed up skiing because I hated the cold. I was going to play it safe and just enjoy snow tubing (like I had done back in middle school, at church winter camp). But, ultimately I decided I was being a hypocrite. I ALWAYS talk about how I’ll try anything once; and, if I don’t like it, at least I know I actually don’t like it.

What’s something you’re SO SURE you won’t enjoy, but you haven’t actually given it a fair chance? Do the prep work (buy the right clothes, ask the right questions, seek the right advice), give it a try (if you fall, pick yourself up, collect your skis, laugh at yourself), and then try again (all metaphorically speaking, of course). Sometimes it’s your mindset you have to change (get someone else’s perspective; change your own perspective; think positively). Enjoy the moment: enjoy the ride, the thrill of it all.

I pray this year we each experience the joy of trying something new. Even more, I pray that we are surprised by what we discover – about the ‘something new’ or, even better, that we are surprised by what we discover about ourselves.

Cheers to 2015 and all the adventures that await!

When "Good Enough" Will Do

So I’ve been neglecting my blog. And as I see some of my HU sisters pick up their blogging efforts – in fields regarding the empowerment of women and finance – I think it’s past time that I get back to writing. The reason I created this blog was to talk about “my journey”: not just in pageants, but in real life. Today, my manager and I had a heart to heart and he said something to me that I thought worth sharing with you all.

I cannot recall his exact words, but he told me that: a success may not be at my level of success, but it can still be a success.

What does this mean?

Those who know me best know that I can be very particular…. In short, some may say I am a perfectionist. I like to get things done – correctly, timely, and, usually, I like to go ‘above and beyond’ what I am asked to do. The great thing about this is thatit has worked for me: it gets me noticed with management and my peers know they can count on me to carry my weight and help us all look good. I catch the small ‘mistakes’ and I’m good at listening to exactly what someone wants in a deliverable. But, as you might guess, not everything about being a perfectionist is fun. The harsh reality is that as I move forward in my career,deliverables I work on are not always only dependent on me: I will have to rely on others to perform, as well. And though they may perform, they won’t always – or even usually – perform to MY level of expectation. That is frustrating.

It is at frustrating moments like this, that I must remind myself (or pray that I have a manger who is kind enough to gentlyremind me) that I cannot always have things my way. I cannot expect people to do what I would do. I cannot get myself worked up over people who will not do things the way I believeis best. What I can do is be confident that I have done my best and that I have supported my team to the best of my ability. Because even though the deliverable isn’t perfect, it’s “good enough” and sometimes that will just have to do.

So Tell Me Why You're Really Mad

I recently read an article that talked about the "stupidity" of Beyonce's lyrics to her song "Partition." I will admit here that as many times as I've heard "Partition" it's one of those songs that I can't actually catch the words to - so I had no idea what the song was about. The author of said article explained that the song is describing Beyoncé asking the driver to raise the partition in the limo so that she could give fellatio to her man. The author has decided that the lyrics are "stupid" because they aren't clever enough to subtle. Did you ever consider that B wasn't trying to be subtle? That she wanted to be blunt or only have a few "play on words." The author goes on to call the song (and by proxy its lyrics) degrading and inappropriate, among other things.

So, tell me why you're really mad.
Are you mad because a grown woman wrote a song about giving a guy head?
Are you mad because a married, grown woman wrote a song about giving head to her husband?
Or are you truly mad because she didn't take the time to romantically or cunningly describe fellatio instead of putting it as bluntly as she did?

Some of you believe that Beyoncé is now trying to play into the media and become more sensual. Did you ever consider that she grew up and came in touch with her sensual self?

I would hardly call myself a Beyoncé fan (or even a fan of music, as any of my close friends will tell you); but, some of you need to chill. Beyoncé is now 30 or 40-something - she's no longer the teen of Destiny's Child. She has a husband who she loves. And a side of her that she clearly hasn't felt ready to share with the world until now.

I don't see how having sex or sexual relations with the man you have married is degrading or inappropriate. Allowing your twelve year old to listen to it, though - yeah, that's inappropriate. Expecting Beyoncé, Miley Cyrus, or Katie Perry to be role models for your children...that's what I would call stupid. People spend too much time blaming other people for their problems. Kids are running amuck these days and it's society's fault. Where are the parents? The teachers? The community leaders. It's their JOB to be role models. Beyoncé, Miley, and Katie...it's the JOB to be entertainers. (Whether you allow them to entertain you or educate you or influence you...that's your prerogative.)

So, please, tell me why you're really mad.

I'm mad because people seem to worship the ground Beyoncé walks on and I can't tell why. When she secretly released her album several months ago it made the morning news. Like really? Is it that serious? We are obsessed with her child. Everyone curiously upset about the name "Blue Ivy," like "Beyoncé" is a common name or something. Some people act like Beyoncé has personally enriched their lives.... But when I look at her I feel like she has the power to do so much more: to sponsor a program that empowers young girls, to go do some community service (and writing a check doesn't count), I want to see her out changing people's lives actively. And it's funny because it was her song "I Was Here," that made me think of how much she isn't "here." Now, don't get me wrong - she may be out doing something, because like I said I'm not exactly a fan, so I don't follow her every move. But perception is reality. And I'm just calling it as I see it. But, like I said...it's not her job to do community service...but a girl can hope, can't she?

----
After writing the first draft of this blog, and sharing it with a friend, I do believe I'm willing to bend on one of my statements above. Beyoncé's ability to release an album without any of its content being leaked in today's world may be some type of a miracle....therefore, making it news appropriate. Lol   .

Believe in Valentine's Day

Last year, one of my best male friends told me that he didn't "believe in" Valentine's Day. I was like how do you not believe in a holiday? But I suppose it's like those who don't "believe in" Halloween.... but it's Valentine's Day. You know: the hearts, the love. What's there not to believe in? The interesting thing was that a few weeks passed and this same friend sent me a text on Feb. 14th to wish me a happy Valentine's Day. (I still have it saved on my phone, lol.) "Happy Valentine's day to the woman who has always been there for me..." After gushing and thanking him for the thoughtful text, I reminded him that this was the very holiday that he did not believe in... His response was, "I still don't believe in Valentine's, but you are important to me.”

This brings me to my first point: I believe that there is a good chunk of people out there who think they don't believe in Valentine's Day, but maybe it's just that they haven't had someone to open their eyes to the potential. February 14th shouldn't be about stress, or flowers, or late-night candle-lit dinners. It's about reminding the people around you, those who matter – like my friend did for me – that they are important to you. It's about expressing love. And no, expressing your heart-felt feelings doesn’t just happen one day a year, but if the country wants to set aside a day to that, I don't see the harm.

I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge that social media plays a bit into the feelings of the young men and women of my generation. I have heard repeatedly in the past week about how men know that women will be comparing what their significant others get them for Valentine's. Facebook, twitter, and Instagram will tell it all -- Amy's man surprised her with roses in the office, took her to a five-star restaurant downtown, and then whisked her away for a weekend in beautiful wine country. Bethany's engaged now. Oh, and Susan – who has only been dating George for like 2 months – posted that her new beau planned “the most romantic evening she's ever had.” Now, whether women are posting these pics and statuses to let every other women know how much their man loves them...or if it's to rub it in the faces of all her haters *shrugs,* I don't know. But, I would like to hope they are doing it because what their man did for them made them happy – and I'd rather people share happy stories on social media than sad ones (Lord, knows we could use more happiness).

But with all this posting, it's no wonder that men freak out when it comes to this holiday. If the holiday disappeared off the calendar in 2015 I strongly doubt their hearts would break – heck, some may not even notice, lol. My best friend once told me that he worries, because he feels like every year he’s supposed to top what he did the previous year. Talk about exhausting! And for all this effort exerted by men, how much are women doing to reciprocate?

And for those women who do try and romance their sweeties... I've read a few articles and posts today: giving up the goods, apparently, doesn't count as a present. (LOL, I'm just saying.) I know that some of us have sat down and tried to think "What do you get a man on Valentine's Day...?" While racking our brains for an answer, did it ever occur to us to just ask him what he might want? Maybe he'd rather not celebrate Valentine's Day, lol. Or maybe, a round of golf with the guys, or like my co-worker told me today, he wants to attend a concert. (The problem is his girlfriend isn't into the band that he wants to see. When I suggested celebrating Valentine's Day on Saturday instead, it was like a novel idea, smh.) But then I wondered if enough other women thought like me, and would be okay with celebrating Valentine's Day a day late, because their boyfriend wanted to go to a concert or whatever other reason there might be.

Some women may not even want to celebrate the holiday, either. (I have found that it’s not just men who feel some type of way towards this holiday.) I have a female friend who isn't big into Valentine’s – and she’s currently in a relationship. I have another friend who’s allergic to flowers (I know her boyfriend is happy about not having that expense). And, I have a friend who is allergic to chocolate… Now only if we could combine the 3 of them into 1 hybrid woman, then the world would be an interesting, and less stressful place (haha). But, the point I’m trying to make is that maybe your women isn't as stressed about this Valentine’s Day hoopla as you think she might be: so, ask her.

Now some of you reading this may be single. Good for you! You don't have to deal with what some would call the "drama" of Valentine's Day. But, some of you may wish you did have this drama. To you I say, remember that when you do get into a relationship. Remember that desire you have today to share a day of love with someone, and when you’re given the opportunity in the future don’t mess it up. In the meantime, celebrate Singles' Awareness Day. Buy yourself a box of chocolates, watch the movie you want to watch, treat yourself to something, or *shrugs,* try a blind date. Now, I'm not trying to be insensitive: of course you're allowed to feel lonely and wish you had someone to go out with on the 14th, but it's just not your year yet. And for a holiday that so many don't believe in anyways – there are worse things than not having a dinner companion on Friday.

Valentine's Day should be about letting important people in our lives know how much we love them – not about raising the bar on a holiday, showering people with material things, or showing off for others.

Happy Valentine's Day to all you: non-believers and believers alike. Now go tell someone they are important to you and that you love them.

XOXO

13 Lessons of 2013

I wanted to post something ‘theme-like’ for the new year. I don’t have a resolution I want to share (as I have learned from the past that I will make one and forget what it was by February or March). And I don’t believe that the new year will bring about a “new me.” --- I do pray that I will continue to grow closer to the Lord, that I will remain an excellent employee and supportive girlfriend, and that I will always to look for ways to challenge myself. 

Today, I just wanted to share some lessons that I learned (or was reminded of) during 2013:

1. Plan ahead – a day, a week, a year… it helps.
2. Believe in second chances: for yourself, and for others.
3. Being your best may not mean being the best. (And sometimes that is okay.)
4. Everything happens for a reason.
5. You teach people how to talk to/treat you.
6. If you are sick, take a sick day. (After all, that is what sick days are meant for.)
7. Learn to love yourself first, only then can you truly learn to love another.
8. Loving someone and being in love with someone…those are two separate emotions.
9. Have something in your life that you do, just for you.
10. If you want something – you may just have to ask for it.
11. Have some self-respect.
12. It is more important that you respect me, than it is that you like me.
13. Once in a while… have a glass of wine, close your eyes, and don’t think…about anything at all.

Leave me some comments…what did you learn in 2013?

Teaching People How to Treat You

So my goal tonight is to write a blog in about 20 minutes. We’ll see how this goes…

In a few recent conversations I have found myself reminding others (and sometimes myself) that “you teach people how to treat you.” You teach and curb behavior through punishments and rewards. If you allow a behavior to continue without telling someone it’s undesired, then you are in a sense rewarding, or encouraging said behavior. However, the moment you indicate to someone, “Uh, uh, not cool,” you are telling to them that that behavior won’t be tolerated. We tell children “don’t do that” or “good job” all the time; but, it seems that in our adult lives the concept of “teaching” someone the ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ of interacting with us is slightly beyond our grasp.

The teaching is usually best done in the beginning of a relationship – though, I am a believer that you are allowed to change your mind about what is and/or is not acceptable, and therefore you may have to re-teach people from time to time. Establish your boundaries early, in an assertive way. Make sure people understand if you’re the type that likes to joke around, or if you’re more serious. What are your pet peeves? Will someone being routinely late drive you mad? Have you told them this?

I think…no, I know that too often I have not wanted to ruffle feathers and have allowed undesirable behaviors and attitudes towards me continue. After weeks or months of this ‘annoying’ behavior, I have no one to blame but myself for my thinned patience and constant annoyance.

I’m in a period of my life where, to quote Sweet Brown, I truly feel that “ain’t nobody got time for that.” The foolishness, the gossip, the backstabbing, laziness, being uncommunicative, being shady, down-right rude, sneaky, or manipulative just isn’t going to fly with me. Some people may tolerate it in their lives, they may teach others through their silence or through their own deceitful behavior, that it’s okay to act up; I, however, will surely be teaching others differently.

Men know before or upon meeting me that I require a certain level of respect. It’s in the way I carry myself, the way I interact with my male friends, and even in the way I flirt. My co-workers have learned that though I may be quite, I will not be taken advantage of, I know my stuff, and I don’t take ‘no’ for an answer. My female friends – though few they may be – know that I will always tell it like it is and will speak what’s on my mind with no apology or disrespect intended.

Decide who you are, what you want to be, what attributes you want people to see and respect most about you – and then make sure it happens. If they can’t respect you for that…then they can keep it moving. 

The Climb

There’s always gonna be another mountain

I’m always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an up-hill battle

Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Can you believe I just quoted Miley Cyrus? Yeah, well neither can I. Those words came from her 2010 song, “The Climb.” And it was those words that finally brought me to this moment. I finally feel the beginning sense of peace that I knew I would need to feel before I sat down to write and commit to my thoughts surrounding the 2013 Miss Virginia Pageant.

You want my honest reflection? Good, of course you do; and, lucky for you I know hardly know any other way to be. Standing on the stage and feeling as beautiful and as poised as I had ever felt in my life, it hurt to know that I had not made the Top 10 cut. It was disappointment, mixed with confusion… and, give it time, the Devil turned it into self-doubt and self-hate. Thankfully, there were not moments of jealousy (as in, I did not feel specifically jealous of one of those ten girls; I never felt that one of their spots belonged to me): my feelings were never directed to them –the emotions all faced inward. For two weeks, I beat myself up. Trying to figure out what I could have or should have done differently. I poured over pictures…and thought I looked gorgeous, happy: I glowed (!) for crying out loud. I had never looked better. So, what else could it have been? Maybe, it was my private interview. And then the questions from my interview came flooding back to me (and so did my responses). They followed me everywhere, in the mirror where I used to ask myself mock questions every morning; in the car while I listened to NPR; they followed me to the shower and when I laid my head on the pillow at night.

These emotions confused the crap out of me. I usually moved on from disappointments fairly easy – I would fuss a little bit, and then I move on. I learned from my mother that there is no sense in dwelling in the past: it’s over, after all. But this one thing would not leave me alone. Being completely honest, it was also hard for me to think of any other time where I had felt so defeated. (I knew in my heart that I did not fail – I had progressed too much and performed too well, to call what I did at Miss Virginia a failure.) But I certainly was defeated. But feeling sorry for one’s self is depressing enough: I couldn't continue to wallow in my self-pity much longer.

Attempting to add some “regularity” back into my life, I went back to the gym after 2 weeks off: 1 due to the pageant and the 2^nd because I was recovering – and being lazy – after the pageant. That Monday class was not easy! And it did not exactly provide the motivation I was looking for. We know that God tells us to pour into his word…right? We are to praise him when we want for something and when we are thankful for something, and just because. I had been on my knees during pageant week, and I thought to myself – if anything – I need to continue the prayer life that I had during those 7 days of competition. There were verses that spoke to me… but none brought enough comfort to convince me that the misery I felt would go away any time soon. However, we knew that success does not happen overnight; and, therefore, I knew the same would not occur with healing. So, I remained patient, in prayer, and meditation. I stopped listening to the news and rode in my car in silence, preferring to think about the apartment I would soon be moving into and my recent promotion/pay raise…. I didn’t spend extra time in front of the mirror – as that would prompt thoughts regarding inner beauty and pageant interviews… I stopped stalking myself on IG and looking over my pageant photos by Julius. I needed a mental break. I need to just be still (Psalm 46:10).

On the road home from Hanover this weekend Miley’s song played (it is part of a mixed tape a friend made to hype me up for the state competition). And when Miley sang those four lines I finally HEARD what she was saying, and immediately felt this sense of understanding and knowing in my heart. I pressed the rewind button and listened to the song for the first time. She talks about the journey, and how you learn along the way…how there will ALWAYS be challenges, and sometimes we will succeed, and sometimes we will be defeated. And, it is okay to remember those moments when you’re down (most likely those will be the thoughts that resonate with us for the longest)…BUT – your true test is – do you remember to keep moving forward, to keep the faith that you've always had?

So, I must keep moving forward. Don’t get me wrong: I still remember my interview questions, and I remember how I felt on that stage after talent and gown (AH-MAZ-ZING!)… But I am here…today, in my office. This is me. And I must continue to embrace that because “it is what it is.” I can continue to spread my love of people and of service, and I can continue to share my Legacy of Kindness…because that’s who I am, who I have always been. It is my assuredness in who I am – without a crown – that will allow this journey, this “climb,” to continue.

And I feel that must say this... Some of you may think I sound ungrateful; for I know that many girls would have given just about anything to have had the chance to grace the stage in Roanoke (or had their name called for the “Legacy of Kindness” award, as I did). It is not that I am ungrateful – it is that I, as the strong woman I am, constantly find ways to challenge myself. So when I, and other contestants like me, do not reach our goals, do not mistake our tears for ungratefulness…instead see them as they may be – sadness for not reaching the goal we set for ourselves. We are grateful to be at Miss Virginia, to have had our name called as a local representative, to have been a preliminary award winner, to have made the Top 10, or Top 5, but there’s always going to be that hunger to be the best of the best…to me that hunger should be commended, not condemned. (I won’t lie though, some girls will just be salty about it, they won’t look for ways to improve or find the silver lining in the clouds and there’s nothing I can do about that!)

So-- thank you for those of you who continue to believe it me; who encourage me day in and day out. I am blessed by those of you who call me your Miss Virginia. I will likely take the time in the next few days to reflect in a more positive manner on the pageant week (*chuckles*). Thank you for reading, and I hope I wasn't too depressing.

Stressed...but Blessed

It's a shame, I haven't written in this blog since April. But this post should do some explaining regarding what's been going on. (And thank you to all my readers - my last blog had 57 reads!)

So, if you know me well enough, you know I like to do too much. I'm always going somewhere, doing something, or meeting someone. I've been called "Superwoman" a few times, and even been teased about my ability to hide my cape. Well, sometimes even Superwoman has to realize her limits... And this Superwoman has been super stressed lately.

The start of May meant the start of a new position at my job (read my last blog entry for more details). I quickly saw the different between being a "college hire" and a permanent employee. Gone were the days that that deadlines were 6 months away, or where my assignments didn't really impact the deliverables of my teammates. I was now a "critical" part of the team and that meant I had to change my mindset. Not only that, but I was thrown into a project that had been started months before my arrival, where the project managers and IT developers used a lingo that even my usually good use of context clues could not decode.

Being the genius that I am, I also agreed to take on a community service project around the same time. I was to co-lead a team to creatively develop, plan, and execute a field day for...oh, about 300 elementary school-aged children. I definitely underestimated the amount of time and effort that such a task would take.

Let me also mention that May meant I was just weeks closer to leaving to compete for Miss Virginia. I had my send-off party to plan. I had wardrobe left to buy and budget for....the piano to practice, gym classes to attend...

Then I decided to enter into a small business case-like competition at work...and then my car needed an oil change...and the keyboard I was using to practice my talent stopped working.... and the weather man was predicting rain for my field day (and our rain date was looking kind of soggy, as well)....Do you see where I am going with this?

I was doing too much: I was stressed out! So today, I said 'no.' I decided that the case competition ball had to get dropped. (Unfortunately this affected my teammate, who originally questioned if we'd have enough time to put our argument together - of course I had convinced her that it would be fine; and, today, I had to eat my words). I am also thinking that tomorrow I will make the executive decision to cancel field day this year; because, our rain date isn't looking too friendly and I can't keep moving the date on my volunteers. (It's a shame because our Superhero-theme was going to be amazing!) I am slowly building my confidence with this project at work and I made great progress with my current deadlines this week: my co-workers are very supportive.

I have always enjoyed being engaged and "plugged-in" to the world around me. I always like to know what's going on (yes, I am nosy). These past few weeks, I pushed myself - further than I've tried to push myself before, for there was more at stake this time around. I was reminded that I am but a mere human - one with limitations and a breaking point. I was kindly reminded, as well, that God has blessed me with a wonderful ability to handle multiple things and to get it all done with style, grace, and poise. God has given me the strength to take what many would see as hurdles, and turn them into opportunities for success. So, yes, when I was asked, "How are you?" in these past few weeks, some days my response was, "I'm stressed!"; but, please believe, I also know that I am truly blessed by God. The successes that I have had in my life have not all come easy; I have learned that I have the power in stressful situations to make beautiful outcomes. I've heard the saying, "I'm too blessed to be stressed!" - I'm not knocking it, but sometimes us blessed folks have to admit when we're stressed. (The first step is admitting you have a problem, right? lol)

~Superwoman
(aka, The Over-Achiever)

Did you ask?

First, let me say that I. am. tired.! It's been a long and trying two weeks and I can honestly say I'm ready for a break (not that I see one coming any time soon). But, no worries; I am truly grateful for each opportunity to succeed that I have been given. My Facebook status tonight mentioned that I am now in my third position at my company - and I've only been there for ten months. Crazy, right? It's been a whirlwind of excitement and pressure, tears and anxiety, new friends and, unfortunately, new people to avoid. With each challenge is a lesson - it may not be a new lesson, but its importance is still there. And one thing I was taught in college was to "lift while climbing" (or help others along as you climb your ladder); so, with that, I would like to share one of my life mantras.

It's a simple one really: "You never know unless you ask." One of my favorite Bible verses as a child was, "So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Luke 11:9. (*psst, it was one of my favorite, because when you say the verse and the reference immediate after, it rhymes! lol)

Well how do I apply the verse (which refers to asking my Heavenly Father for something) to corporate America - or to life in general, really? Let's take my recent job assignment as an example. When I was told that my rotation program was ending early, due to reasons out of my control, I was not as happy as my recruiter had hoped I would be. The end of my program meant that I was suppose to have some idea of what I wanted to do next:
      But, I wasn't ready.
            I didn't know what I wanted.
                    I freaked out...but only momentarily. Because in the end, freaking out did me no good.

What were the facts? I had a month to figure everything out; I had many business contacts across the company (from my time as an intern and as a college hire); and, I had three positions available to me that were opened specifically for college hires in my "predicament." 

What was my problem? I didn't want any of those three positions. (Yes, I know: some people would be glad to have any one of those positions and I was in no way foolish enough to think I was too good for any of them. They just were not things I could see myself doing long term.)

So I sat down at my desk and typed up an email. There was a manager I had worked with during my initial rotation and I knew he'd be able to give me some guidance (plus, his team was suppose to expand in the fall, which meant he would eventually have open positions). The email led to a one-on-one with that manager in which he explained he did have an entry-level position but it was already filled; but if I wanted it bad enough it was still early enough in the process that things could change... I had a few follow-up one-on-one sessions with that manager, his boss (who happened to be my former boss), and with an HR contact. Four weeks later, I'm proud to say that job has my name on it.

Don't let anything or anyone confine you. I was given three options - I made a fourth; because I define my success and because I wasn't afraid to ask. Remember:

"A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him." Dave Brinkley.

Nothing is constant in life, except change

Hello Readers!

You may (or may not) have been wondering what I've been up to lately. If you're reading this, I'm going to assume you're interested....some life changes have been taking place, primarily in the last week and I'm still adjusting:

1. I'm moving. No worries, it's just down the street; but, it still throws a kink in the usual routine. The last few days I've been packing a few boxes here and there to move my stuff out of my current room. With the move I've realized two things: (1) always be prepared for change and (2) I'm glad I don't have a lot of belongings that I feel attached to. When I moved up here (the day after the 2012 Miss VA pageant) I was proud that it took less than two car loads of belongings to make me feel "at home." I left a lot of odds and ends in the 757 and I don't believe I'll be going back to collect them any time soon.
2. My position at work is being eliminated. Wait - don't freak out, let me explain! I was in a rotational program: which means that I was suppose to be on 3 different teams for 6 months a piece (for an 18 month period). However, my Company has decided to no longer support this initiative; and, as of April 1st I will be applying for a new position (within the Company). This has rocked me a little bit because I was hoping that the rotational program would give me a better sense of what I want to do with my career - and I'm still at a loss. The good thing is that I have built some very strong relationships in the past 8 months (and during my previous summer internship), so I am not worried about actually finding a new position.
3. Miss Virginia Workshop is 17 days away! Again - it's okay, I've got Mariah to help me through this one. I picked out my talent gown. (*Leans in and whispers* and between you and me - it's one heck of a dress!) Now, it's on to paperwork - lots of paperwork, choosing my head shot, practicing my talent piece, and asking folks to sponsor me and donate money...

So you want to donate some money? LOL, but no, seriously. As Miss Hanover, I am also an advocate for the Children Miracle Network Hospitals (CMNH): the commonwealth of Virginia is home to 5 such hospitals (they are located in: Charlottesville, Lynchburg, Norfolk, Richmond, and Roanoke). The goal of CMNH is to save and improve the lives of as many children as possible. How do they do this? With the money that people like you and I donate, CMNH are able to support research and training, purchase equipment, and pay for uncompensated care for thousands of children every year. Partner with me today, and let's make a difference together. I have already raised $400 this year, and I need just $250 more to qualify for Miss Virginia. Every dollar counts. Thank you in advance for your support (your money, and your prayers)!

Xoxo (Hugs & Kisses),

Phe

Donate Today!

Oz The Great and Powerful

This weekend was amazing. Just what I needed. By God's beautiful planning, my sister, Tanya, and my best friend, Cassi, were both planning to come into Northern VA this weekend; so, Tanya was able to ride up with Cassi, Deven (Cassi's hubby), and James (Deven's friend). Friday, Tanya and I walked just about ALL of Tyson's Corner Mall (Tyson's I) - she says that the small corners of the mall that we did not visit this time, we will get on her next visit, along with Tyson's II (where the rich folks go). After shopping for several hours we headed to Reston Town Center and ate a French restaurant called "Mon Ami Gabi." T and I got the seafood platter - it was fabulous, and so was our waiter :) Dinner was followed by a movie: "Oz, the Great and Powerful." The movie was definitely more of a comedy than I expected, and T and I would recommend it.

There were a few, key take-aways in the movie for me. The first being that: dreams - good dreams - live beyond the original dreamer. The original king of Oz had a dream and a wish for the people of his kingdom, one that he was unable to see fulfilled during his reign. However, because of the faith he had in his dream and the people of his land, one of his daughters worked to continue his dream and to see it come to fruition.

I often like to relate a lot of life's lessons to pageantry... Many times, judges will ask you about your "legacy": what you want to leave behind when your reign as Miss So-and-So is over. I pray that many girls hope to inspire others to either carry on the torch that they currently carry, or that they inspire others to pick up their own torch and be a champion for their own cause(s). My platform regarding volunteerism and community involvement has certainly done this. I have watched numerous girls spread their wings and join civic organizations, partner with others to raise money for a good cause, or step up to lead an initiative because that realized that by being involved (in their communities, schools, churches, peer groups...or wherever!) that they can truly make a difference.

I was also challenged to examine the difference between "goodness" and "greatness." For the entire film, Oz desired to be great and admired for his magical skills. But at the end of the film, he was told that he had something better than greatness in him, it was goodness that he truly possessed. Oz was good because he chose to do the right thing; he helped others and forsook his selfish ways; he was the man that others needed him to be.

I think this can be applicable in my "office life." I can strive to be great in corporate America, but I cannot afford to neglect to be good. I was visiting my Grandma's church in Manhattan several months ago, and one of the ladies in church told me that she believed the business world was full of corrupt and lying people and that it was not the place for me, as a Christian woman, to be. My Grandma, being the lady that she is, held her tongue until she and I were alone. In that quite moment, she told me not to believe a lick of what that woman had said. That I was a gifted and talented young lady who knew right from wrong, and that I could be a strong, Christian woman in an environment that some, clearly, do not see as honest or positive. Greatness is nothing worth admiring, unless there is goodness included as well.

So, readers...
Are you dreaming a dream that others can continue to dream once you are gone? (RIP Michael Crawford)
Are you living with a desire to be good? as well as, to be great?

My Support System

It’s been way too long since my last post. Let’s see what has happened in that time?

I…
…earned the title of Miss Hanover 2013
…celebrated my sister’s 21^st birthday
…rang in the New Year with my mother and a glass of wine
…traveled to Vegas for the first time and watched the Miss America 2013 Competition live! 

In all that time I've been thinking about writing a post, and now I've finally sat down to do it. Tonight, I want to talk about support systems. Mine in particular…

As the local pageant “season” is quickly coming to an end there is a mix of emotions going through this bizarre land of pageantry. You have the girls who have passed on their titles, to watch “baby sisters” continue to develop the legacy of a local title; you have those who are now “too old” (to compete) and who will go on to impact the world with their compassion and determination, without a crown; there are young women who have been fortunate enough to have had a crown placed on their head at some point in the past few months and who will be gracing the state stage sometime this summer; and then you have those who are still reaching for that goal – reaching for that 4-pointed crown/ticket to the state competition.


It made me think earlier today…what helps a girl realize her dreams; and, in the event that she doesn't,  how does she go on? The answer, at least for me, is the same for both questions. No one can make it in this (pageant) world without a support system. This support may not come in the traditional sense, like mothers and fathers, but the support is there nonetheless. And it is because of this support system (along with other factors, I assure you) that girls will return year after year to realize a dream. Knowing that someone believes that you can is inspiring; knowing that someone is willing to stand beside you no matter what the critics say, that is empowering.


I am blessed because I have received support from my family to realize my dream of competing at Miss Virginia. My younger sister is my number one fan. She has not bought me gowns, or given me interview advice; but, her humor, her reassurance that I didn't bomb my on-stage-question (or my talent), and her hilarious text messages while I’m back stage competing, are encouragement enough. I am reminded daily that she looks up to me and that by competing in this pageant system I can remind her that dreams are worth chasing, working towards, and they are certainly worth fighting for.


Not only do I have my family, but the directors of local pageants have also offered support to me over the years, like you wouldn't believe. You don’t have to have their title on your sash, or even wear a sash at all, for them to love you as their own. This is where being kind and approachable comes in handy, ladies! Directors who feel and can see that you want to grow and improve will be more than willing to encourage you and give you suggestions that could make your next pageant YOUR pageant. Directors are volunteers, they do this because they love it; let them love on you, as well.


And now I will shock the “regular” world with this next facet of the support system that I have slowly built over the years: fellow contestants. No, we don’t all hate each other (yes, I do realize this is a competition). No, we are not all out to sabotage each other (yes, some of the girls are really nice). I have found that if you find the right girls – those who treat you the same, whether you’re in competition mode or not, those who give you advice that is true and honest, those who you don’t have to wonder about a hidden agenda – then you've found a winner. Just like in the “real world” though – not everyone is your friend. (People throw the word “friend” around too loosely these days, anyway.) But, if you notice that a girl has won a particular award (interview, swimsuit, talent…) ask her if she has any advice – if she’s confident enough in her own abilities she should have no problem helping you improve. Girls who want to keep everything to themselves defeat the idea of sisterhood and service – but that’s just my opinion.


Lastly, there’s the community at-large: the blessed people who are not consumed by all things pageant. Sometimes it can be those lovely people who have known you since grade school and gush every time they realize you have grown into this lovely young woman with goals and ambitions. Sometimes it is the father who you've had a quick conversation with, who is grateful that you've explained to his stubborn daughter that college can be exciting. Sometimes it is the stranger in the mall who tells you are beautiful. Relish in these moments, with these people – the ones you may never see again...the ones that you meet on pageant day...or during a day of service. They are the people, surprisingly, that will create the stories and memories that you will share with others.

Wherever it is that you find your support, be thankful for it, and LOVE those individuals back. It is your support system that cheers you on to the gold…but it is that same support system that should be there – with the same enthusiasm – if you don’t even make it onto the podium. I can say that my system has been there for me through the sunshine and the rain. Can you say the same? Start building your support system, your network (whatever you want to call it) and make sure it contains individuals of quality (this is an instance where "it's quality, not quantity")... 

I do my best to tell my system that I love them whenever I am given the opportunity. So, if you’re reading this…thanks!

XoxoPhe

Share Your Gifts

It's Christmas Time! The season of giving (and getting ;)...And in his sermon last weekend, my pastor made a statement that had me reaching for my pen. He said, and I'm paraphrasing, "...we all have spiritual gifts and some of you haven't unwrapped yours yet."

It got me thinking: What if someone doesn't know that they have a spiritual gift? Surely no one is gift-less...right? I have always thought that every individual (no matter how strange, rude, or reserved) has a gift that they can share with another or a quality worth admiring. But, sometimes those individuals need a little assistance in finding out what that gift is.

So, how do you go about unwrapping your gift (spiritual or otherwise)? Don't worry - I'll give you a spiritual and a secular option (you can use both if you like).

First, you pray...you ask the Lord to give you the opportunity to bless another individual, in whatever way that He sees fit. And then you watch the Lord go to work! (But, make sure you're ready, because sometimes the Lord gives you exactly what you ask for! See: Luke 11:9)

Another way - which is more hands on -  is to volunteer. As some of you may know, my personal platform is about volunteerism and community involvement. I have found that in times where I felt lost or alone, that getting out and giving of myself or joining a group of people who were doing good in the community, always helped to lift my spirits. When you volunteer you find yourself: you find what you are good at in a low-stress, high rewards environment (what more could you really ask for?). Now some of you may be wondering how do you become a volunteer.... Well, that's easy: You volunteer! What I mean is, you ask someone or an organization if they need help. Particularly during this time of year, organizations are looking for extra hands, and your hands might be just the pair that they need. Go to your church, a local school or not-for-profit, or find out what community events are going on near-by, contact the liaison and offer your services. I'd be willing to bet money that they would welcome you with open arms.

So, go ahead and take that next step. Unwrapping your (spiritual) gift isn't nearly as difficult as you thought it would be. I'll leave you with a quote from a very spiritually gifted man:

"Everybody can be great, because everybody can serve." Martin Luther King, Jr.

Finding Your Beauty

Sometime last weekend a friend of mine told me that I had "found my beauty." Now, quite honestly, at first I wasn't sure how to take the comment (though, knowing that everything this person says is in good taste, I had to take a moment to consider her words). We have all, for certain, heard of others finding themselves or maybe discovering their true talents...but finding their beauty?

My mother has been telling me for years (as a mother should) that I am beautiful. And, somewhere in college, I truly began to believe it. As the years have gone by my definition of beauty (isn't that a pageant question??) has evolved. It has encompassed the idea of feeling comfortable in your own skin; the idea that true beauty is not seen with the eye, but felt with the heart; and beauty to me, has been, making others feel beautiful as well. Tara Wheeler always said, "Beauty is as beauty does." But, most recently I have found another source of beauty: true joy.

Now, joy and happiness - to me - are not exactly the same; but, for the sake of this entry, I'll just say that joy is a deeper type of happiness that comes from within. My own joy, comes from the love of my Heavenly Father and knowing that no matter what trials and temptations I face, He is with me. If I have learned anything in the past year, it has been that there is always a way and that I must be patient, because things will happen when and how they are suppose to.

My move to Northern Virginia (NoVA) technically meant I could "start over," "reinvent myself" and no one here would know any better. But, I like me and realized that without my usual group of friends and acquaintances I would have to come to really love me. So I focused on feeding my needs: finding a church fed my spiritual needs; joining the gym for my physical and mental health; and, starting a Mint.com account for my financial well-being. But then, why not be spontaneous (in a sense) and try something totally new? So, I joined the flag-football team at work (I shocked everyone at home because I have never played on a sports team in 23 years of living), I forced myself to prepare a few meals (I don't cook - see my 8/7/12 post, "Feeding My Inner-Fat Lady"), and I started buying things I liked - without wondering if someone else would approve of them. All together, the happiness I felt from being in control of my life and the sense of calm I got from knowing that ultimately God was really in control began to transform my outlook on life. And apparently, this new feeling is showing on the outside...

This past weekend was Hampton U's Homecoming and I thought long and hard about what I was going to wear that weekend; who I was going to see; and what I was going to do. But in the end, I could only "do me" (do what makes me feel good). After the weekend was over, one of my girls texted me, she told me she was "proud of me." Which caught me off guard. When I asked why, she said, "you just looked so fab and seemed so happy." I remember smiling, and thinking about it for a moment: "I am happy," I told her...

I guess I have found my beauty.

Xoxo